Breakfast: 300 calories
Lunch: 400 calories
Dinner: 600 calories
Evening Snack: 2,400,000 calories
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One of my biggest fears during a zombie apocalypse is having to sleep without a fan
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
The guy who made my sandwiches told me Have Fun as he handed them to me. Not sure what he thinks I was gonna do wit them
“We don’t have iced coffee”
Me: “You have coffee?”
“Yes”
Me: “You have ice?”
“Yes”
Me: “Were you raised in a barn?”
My dad had a good idea. Sometimes when cars drive by your house they honk at you. But you can’t respond. That’s where House Horn comes in
Stop screaming at me like you’re the only one who realizes our kitchen is on fire. The arrogance.
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those “eat right and exercise” scams.
[Divorce court]
Her: I found his Twitter account. I want a divorce.
Judge: He was cheating?
Her: No, he was doing inspirational tweets.
My husband keeps texting me he loves me and that i’m hot, what a weirdo like calm down pal, we’re married
A cheap way to get Botox face is by walking your dog in zero degree temperature.
I would have suggested they just use a regular volleyball, but I guess the Olympics are special.
My father in law drank four cartons of milk in less than six days, so I’ve decided we’ll need to ditch him pretty early on in the apocalypse.
A horror film, but it’s just a dad who accidentally locked himself out of the house, and now he’s peering through the window at his toddler alone with a sharpie.
[tsunami approaching]
guy: RUN
me: wait why is the T silent
My mother’s gravy is so lumpy it’s having a biopsy.
Are you eating Jell-O?
Cow: “Yeah.”
You know what gelatin is made from, right?
Cow: “No, what?”
Uh. Rainbows. Enjoy, buddy.
Dads are proud of horror movie characters never turning the lights on
That time Alicia messaged me
Me, mouthful of cicadas: WHAT?!
“Oh I’m not very good at that game, but sure, I’ll play with you”
“If ya wanna go and take a ride with me / wear your seatbelt” – Nervous Nelly
The 6 or so days between Christmas and New Year’s is truly No Man’s Land. Like am I supposed to sleep all day? Get my life together? Spend the entire day watching TikToks? Hang out with my parents? Are we in 2019 or 2020? What do I eat besides Christmas cookies?
CHEF: Someone needs to prepare the chicken
ME: I’ll do it *sits chicken down* look dude, this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
handsome customer: [pointing] that costume please.
clerk: sexy warlock. you got it.
me: same as him.
clerk: creepy male witch, comin’ up.
Principal: Your son is a gamer
[Parents are visibly shaken]
Principal: Oops, wrong kid. Actually yours is on drugs.
Parents: OH THANK GOD
Date etiquette: The smaller fork is a salad fork. Use the larger fork to eat the salad fork.
When I have a tough decision, I ask myself…
“What would Jesus do?”
Then, I remember how things turned out for him…
And, flip a coin.
Like boxes of shit in your house? Get a cat.
If I die, please avenge me. If it’s an accidental death, just go nuts on whoever.
then why did i get this email