I get most of my exercise these days from shaking my head in disbelief.
You Might Also Like
Hotel pillows are the proof that God is angry with us.
I don’t care how much you pay for sushi- you are getting a raw deal.
Remember it’s Christmas. You need to check your elf before you wreck your shelf
Money can’t buy you love, but it can buy you toilet paper.
Which is basically the same thing.
instead of meal prepping on sundays, have u considered taking an impromptu and cost ineffective trip to the grocery store every single day of the week?
NO city was built in a day. Get over yourself, Rome.
[finding a secret passage in my NYC-apartment that leads to a corpse-filled torture dungeon]
HOLY SHIT LOOK AT ALL THIS EXTRA SPACE I HAVE!
Cop: SHOW ME YOUR HANDS!
Me: *puts hands out*
Cop: wait… are you the hand model for Rolex?
Me: *blushing* guilty
Cop [winking aggressively]: Uh oh someone’s gonna have to serve some TIME
[robbery]
ROBBER: Give me all your money!
ME: I don’t have it all with me.
ROBBER: Dang!
Volunteer firefighter battles a house fire until 2 am and still goes to work at 6am.
Me: Wakes up at 7 am and contemplates whether to use a smiling or grinning emoji.
If you are a jerk and say jerk things, understand that I have imagined punting you into space while you’re eating something you’re allergic to, wearing a color that looks terrible on you.
judge: any last comments?
me: i request to die by electric chair
judge: ur here for a speeding ticket
me: my request still stands
CBS: “Tom Petty is dead.”
Tom Petty: “Don’t do me like that.”
Her: If someone gave you five dollars would y-
Me: Yes.
You ever tried driving the speed limit and thought, “They can’t be serious.”
What idiot called it ‘Asparagus grown in Northern France’ and not ‘Brittany Spears’.
GOD: you breathe water so you’ll be in the ocean
SHARK: nice
GOD: you breathe air so you’ll be on land
HORSE: cool
GOD: you’re huge and have fins, you’ll have to be in the ocean
BLUE WHALE: ok and I breathe water, yeah?
GOD: um
BLUE WHALE: um what?
ah yes writing, that thing i do where i open a word document and then get up and start cleaning my entire house
Whenever my teen cleans his room, I get a brand new set of dishes.
The reason I don’t like costume parties is the bit two hours in when you’re listening to your friend talking about her mum’s dementia and you’re dressed as Mario.
something america actually gets right is our commitment to air conditioning and ice cubes in drinks. like yeah healthcare would be nice but my god, room temperature water is an abomination
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
me: help! that guy stole my identity!
also me: no i didn’t
[wife frantically searching the house]
Have you seen the kids, I’ve looked everywhere
[me napping on couch]
OMG HOW LONG HAVE WE HAD KIDS
English is just 3 languages wearing a trenchcoat pretending to be one tall language
Me: Can my gift this year be a new secretary.
Boss: I cannot legally assign you anyone until your last secretary’s case goes to trial…
I wonder how many of these NSA agents have a crush on me.
[typing]
Me: Is it DISCREET or DISCRETE?
Wife: 2nd.
Me: Is “polyamorous” hyphenated?
Wife: No. Why?
Me: It’s for work. When’s your flight?
[walking out of bathroom]
me: oh boy, do NOT go in there
*guy walks in anyway*
*comes out screaming*
me: ya it’s like super haunted
I imagine when you get to heaven they give you a box with all the sodas and snacks that vending machines cheated you out of your whole life.