I showed up at Disney headquarters uninvited
I said I was there for a Rogue One cameo
That’s how I learned the security guards have Tasers
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Relationships are easy as pie!
*burns pie*
I just want to tell everyone how I feel about you!
Ma’am I just need you to sign for these packages.
I just asked my kids to jump into a bubbling magma pit.
Just kidding, I asked them to eat the dinner I cooked for them, but their reaction fits that magma scenario
“It’s one of those new Hoverboards!”
9: Mom, this is just 2 Roombas taped together.
“Don’t be silly. Now go vacuum…I mean play upstairs”
I’m a simple woman. I don’t need fancy things like jewelry or sanity to be happy.
Kids insults are great. My youngest told my oldest “If your clothes were any tighter, you’d look like a wiener dog”
Lucius Malfoy: Who on Earth are you?
John Mayer: (holding a sock) Your Dobby is a wonderland.
[Hospital Parking Lot]
Me: I thought we were here to get your X Ray back.
Friend: Yeah *slashing tires* this is his car.
starbucks: we’ve banned plastic straws!
me: oh hell yes
starbucks: yeah we’ve got these cool new lids instead
me: what are they made of
starbucks: plastic
me:
starbucks:
me:
starbucks: wait shit
My dog sets an impossible bar on how to greet my wife when she comes home.
GIRLFRIEND: How am I gonna tell my dad I’m pregnant?
ME: Leave that to me.
[later, at dinner]
HER DAD: *grabs chest* I’m having a heart attack.
ME: Oh no! Grandpa’s 😉 having a heart attack 😉
I was bitten by a radioactive vegan, and now I have the power to bore people to death.
Kim Davis says war has been declared on traditional marriage. Still unclear is which of her four marriages is under attack.
*Husband buys me flowers*
Me: Aw sweet, but don’t waste money on things that are going to die.
Him: But you keep buying the cat food.
“Condominium” sounds like a safe sex spell you learn at Hogwarts.
You might hate the last couple of years but no one hates it more than people named Alexa
I hate it when healthy me does the groceries, because now fat me needs a snack.
hate seeing people i know in public. go to a different public 😫
Host: Congratulations! You won the hot dog eating contest!
Me: *mouth full, sitting off to the side of the stage* The what?
I relate to the guy in the first Saw movie because I too would rather cut off my own leg than have to do an escape room with a stranger
Eighty five percent of being a gardener is throwing snails from your seedlings over the neighbour’s fence.
Gum commercials exaggerate your odds of kissing a complete stranger in public by 780,000,000%
Finally figured out the reason I look so bad in photos. It’s my face
Next time you take your dog for a walk, dress like a cop & pretend to be searching the neighborhood for drugs.
This summer, West asked, point blank: “Dad, is Santa real? Tell me the truth.” And I told him & said he could now help carry the flame of Christmas magic for younger kids. He seemed proud. Last night he put it to use. He said, “Give me ice cream or I’ll tell maison about Santa.”
Where the hell are all the scissors?!
– a parenting memoir
There’s never a good place to clip your toenails at the library.
no one will tell you this but the secret to looking hot in photos is looking hot in real life
Today i started stalking guys. Not for any gay reason but it’s so much easier to do. Women always complain, guys don’t suspect a thing.
My 17yo just asked me how to make toast. There goes any hopes of a college scholarship.