What I said: Please help clean up after dinner.
What my 6yo heard: Commence pirouetting.
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[sharing a cold one with the guys]
“It’s my turn to hold the penguin now”
Murderer: what’s wrong?
Me: it really hurts
Murderer: oh sorry
*stabbing softens*
Don’t tell me about Stockholm Syndrome, I woke up at 6 AM on my first day of vacation wondering how things were going at work.
looks like stacy’s mom has got some competition
Son: can I get lunch money
Dad: I have a boyfriend
me: that guy is half drunk
Dracula: I was full. I couldn’t finish drinking him
Do you think I can get a new ringtone on this ankle monitor?
wife: our daughter jumped off the roof?!?!?
me: she thought she could fly
wife: did you yell at her?
me: of course! I screamed “FLAP HARDER” but she didn’t listen
Eggs benadryl my favourite
If I’d married a wealthier man, I’d be lying on a fancier couch refusing to clean bigger rooms.
“It’s not about who’s right or wrong.”
~ The person that is wrong
The Kardashians is what happens when you feed a gremlin after midnight.
[first day as a bank manager]
Customer: I’d like a car loan
Me: I’m not lending you my car
I have no fear of my family pulling the plug on me if I ever go on life support because I know how much they love wasting electricity
I enjoy long walks away from the scene of the crime.
dad: i’ve got something special for you.
kid me: wow what is it?
dad: a $2 bill. they don’t make them anymore and the artwork is really-
kid me: oh boy i’m gonna buy two cokes.
writers really said: what if homework… was a career.
Patient: I think my problem is imposter syndrome.
Me: [sweating] I assure you I’m a fully licensed psychologist. Or psychiatrist. Which is the one that prescribes meds?
Doctor: your test came back, it isn’t good
Me: am I going to die?
Doctor: without treatment, yes
Me: I’ll do anything, what’s the cure?
Doctor: you just need to eat black licorice
Me: *grabbing my coat* I’ll see you in hell
878 dead bodies lay there.
Liam Nesson “Are we done?”
Police: “Sure, I don’t see any reason why we should arrest you.”
Blood is thicker than water, but rhinoceros poop is thicker than blood, so..
(Raising my hand) When this is all over will I be able to go down to the bar, have a few drinks & meet some attractive younger women?
My wife: For the last time NO!
Them: You need to get a sense of humor.
Me: You need to say something funny.
Annoying my husband while he watches Star Trek: “Why does everyone in the future wear upholstery fabrics?”
Typos are what differentiates is from robots
Tried a new approach to filing taxes this year.
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
WHO: omg please stop sharing your stuff
🙅🏻
Me: I made the best decision at that time with the information available
Narrator: he plugged his ears and said “la la la la” at the time