Remember when we wished we could read people’s minds? Social media has shown just how shitty that power is.
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When you have kids, you’ll see them fighting with each other a lot but you’ll also occasionally see them show genuine signs of love and friendship. Those moments are so beautiful and they happen just before the kids start fighting with each other again.
What
I only put healthy stuff in my kid’s lunchbox so the teacher doesn’t judge me.
I’ll bet cutting out gluten didn’t change your life as much as forgetting birth control changed mine.
The walls in my panic room are painted beige so I’m panicking but bored about it.
I went out last night and my husband put the 3yo and the baby to bed by himself, which neither of us has done alone yet. I got home and everyone was asleep and he was so calm, and I was like “Wow I’m so glad it well went!” and he was like “oh no, it went terribly.” 😂
me: i knocked through a fake wall in my bathroom and there was a whole secret furnished room behind there
friend: you live in an apartment complex
me: oh yeah
Soooo, if the string breaks off…do you just make yourself sneeze so that it shoots out?
Female cashier: [stares at me]
*rings up tampons*
I love the word placebo, but it lacks something
My husband is taking me to a scenic bridge today so i guess this is goodbye
You cowards just love watching the NFL Draft while you’re all too chickenshit to go off and serve in the football yourselves.
I’m extremely upset with myself for speeding, Officer. Giving me a ticket now would only delay the healing process.
debt collector: your bill is outstanding
duck: thank you
I’ve never been so thrown by a hyphen
i always see couples holding hands but how do you become part of a couple? do you just leave your hand out and if someone holds it, you’re a couple
[spreading rumors]
me: R
O
R
U M
S
don’t care who let the cat out of the bag. who’s puttin cats in bags
I don’t know how to be single. Today I saw a woman eating alone so I decided to sit next to her and introduce myself. She immediately started screaming at me like a crazy person and told me to get out of her car.
Guy who invented coffee:
“Don’t even talk to me until I’ve invented coffee”
Traveler’s camo
Tonight at my restaurant job a middle-aged white woman looked me right in the eyes, held up the debit machine to me and said, “Can you show me how to not leave a tip?” SO START CROWDFUNDING MY BAIL MONEY Y’ALL IT’S GO TIME THIS IS WHAT WE’VE TRAINED FOR
*doesn’t eat, sleep enough, drinks too much alcohol* WHY DO I FEEL LIKE SHIT
Back in college, I knew sisters named Summer and Autumn. Instead of saying hello to them, I would say “seasons greetings!”
They didn’t like me very much.
*job interview*
“Where do you see yourself in five years?”
“Mirrors, puddles of water. Basically anything with a reflective surface.”
I attend online school everyday.
My kid joins in whenever he feels like it.
How long can one listen to a kid talk before it’s officially considered a hostage situation?
I don’t care how much you pay for sushi- you are getting a raw deal.
Man, my tummy really hurts, I should probably have another latte and a third and fourth croissant about it
I get mortgage-related spam multiple times a day. It reaches me by text, phone, email, postage, and even social media. I’m absolutely sick of them not giving homing pigeons a chance.