They really need to stop hyping up these storms because I bought a lot of doritos and the power didn’t even go out.
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[looking at flocks of squawking crows]
We have to stop these senseless murders
Me: I’d like to schedule an eye exam.
Receptionist; Any particular reason?
Me: Bikini season.
Me: I’d like a raspberry margarita.
Waitress: Do you want sugar on your rim?
Me:
Waitress:
Me: [looking nervously at my wife]
Wife: OMG SHE IS TALKING ABOUT THE DRINK
Welcome to your 50’s. It’s 11:40 pm, so this should be your 11th pee of the night.
Person: I saw an eagle on my hike today.
Me: Was it Don Henley?
I got a new fitness tracker. Last night at 11pm, it alerted me I only needed 1785 more steps to complete the goal. My friend, no.
Strawberry jam: hi i’m strawberry jam
Blueberry jam: hi i’m blueberry jam
Raspberry jam: hi i’m raspberry jam
Orange jam: BoNjOuR, you may call me MARMALADE
*tries to take off date’s bra*
If you-
*tries again*
If-
*again*
If you would take off the hulk gloves this would be easier
*looks up*
NEVER
what all these pyramids be scheming about?
Forgive me, for I have sinned.
Same time tomorrow?
My wife says I’ve placed unreasonable expectations on our kids, but I think Superman and Wolverine will turn out just fine.
*sits the ceo of ziplock down in an empty room* I have someone I’d like you to meet. *sits down the person in charge of cereal packaging* Figure it out.
How many times does it have to be aliens before Scully believes? How many times does it have to be a guy in a mask before Shaggy doesn’t?
There’s a reason the iPhone autocorrects “Yolo” to “tool.”
my phone, crying: ..pleaSe… I have no space…. delete some photos… I’m begGing you….
me: *hits download*
Imagine the towering achievements in aquatecture if sawfish & hammerhead sharks ever get their shit together
Harmonicas were invented in 1932 when the worst person in the world decided he needed to organize his hot air into compartments.
I hate it when I’m in a rage and suddenly remember I’m not wealthy so I can’t hurl expensive bone china into the fireplace.
ME: I’m glad we don’t feel confined to traditional relationship gender roles. Who cares what the man or woman is SUPPOSED to be? We are who we are.
GIRLFRIEND: If you don’t want to kill the spider don’t kill the spider.
ME: It’s just SO big.
Get noticed by more companies on LinkedIn by adding af to the end of all of your job titles.
Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across America join together to raise the country’s obesity statistics.
Surround yourself with people who want to give you money.
[at my grandmas house]
MY GRANDMA (not the grandma whose house we’re at but my other grandma): (to my grandma whose house we are at) hey
My aunt called & asked “is your house near the fires?”
My cousins called & asked “are the fires threatening your house?”
My dad called & asked “what’s my damn iTunes password again?”
Caught my uncle checking his phone mid way through the rosary and I absolutely squealed on him (for context I’m 41 and a guest in their home).
True
Him: [handing me $20] here’s your Christmas present
Me: thanks [handing it back] here’s yours
Me: [practicing guitar]
Son: Hey, dad-
Me: NOT NOW I’M LEARNING CAT’S IN THE CRADLE
For cardio, I drive before the windshield is defrosted.
The only reason there’s a market for hammers is not because they go bad but because they grow legs and walk away.