Me: I just feel really sad and helpless. It’s like nothing I do can make things better.
Brain: Have you tried eating an entire sheet of brownies about it?
Me: What?
Brain: Eat brownies about it.
Me: [Pre-heating the oven] makes sense.
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Me: I wish my life was like a Disney movie
Genie: *snaps fingers*
Me: …what changed?
Genie: your mom was shot in the woods
[throws milk at cows]
go be with your family
You never forget the first 800 people you sacrifice to Satan.
If my funeral is open casket my only request is that I have cucumber slices over my eyes.
“You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby. You gonna DIIIIIIIEEEEEEE!!!! …Only Kidding! Welcome to Red Lobster, party of 2?”
Them: You have a weird sense of style
Me: *takes off glasses* Rude
Them: But true
Me: *takes off second pair of glasses* Give me an example
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the last twelve digits of pi.
Wife: I thought you returned this movie three weeks ago?
Me: I wanted to watch it again.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I found it in the refrigerator.
Twitter is over Capacity! Well, so’s my liver but you don’t see me slowing down because of it.
Are people adding the nuts to their trucks or has mine been neutered?
WIFE: I got us this new candle
ME: sweet. What flavor is it?
W: don’t you mean ‘what scent is it?’
ME (with a mouthful of candle wax): What?
Ugh my boyfriend’s all “Stop asking my Dad if he likes your underoos” and “Stop snap-chatting my Mom” and “Stop calling me your boyfriend”
YOGI BEAR: Hahaha, I just stole their pic-a-nic baskets!
RANGER SMITH: You murdered 7 campers.
YOGI BEAR: *Exasperatedly* …To get their pic-a-nic baskets.
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: I suffer from IBS.
F: Why are you telling me that?
M: I thought we were just stating unfortunate truths.
I guess the guy who named the space between stuff in the universe “space” was just tired.
My daughter just said The Offspring is classic rock.
I don’t want this one anymore someone come get her.
Robber: Give me your valuables
Me: *hands him piece of paper*
Robber: What’s this?
Me: My Netflix password.
Autocorrect changed “Put Bacitracin on it” to “Put bacon on it”.
Fine, we’ll try that.
I don’t always go outside but when I do I hit my forehead really hard on a shelf to make sure I look like an idiot.
3am
H: *yells from bedroom*
babe, do I smell cake?
M: *not looking up, eating cake from the pan*
nope, it’s a new plug in
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
date: i’m very level-headed
me: [furious that the word ratify doesn’t mean to turn something into a rat] omg me too
There’s a fine line between confidence and delusion and I ride that shit like a bear on a unicycle.
[afterlife]
ME: is this heaven or hell
SPIRIT: idk why don’t you bing it
ME: oh noooooo
I’m always punctual, which is why I hope to be cremated and used in an hourglass.
[summer]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too hot.[fall and winter]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too dark.[spring]
It’s nice out and the days are getting longer. I think I’ll go for a w– *tornado siren sounds*
The book I bought on dog training doesn’t seem to be working. I don’t think she’s even reading it.
Spotted the tiniest of cows perched on a fence post today.
Like my grandma always says… put more booze in the mashed potatoes
Critics are raving about Mud. “It’s like dirt but wet” says one. “Oh god it’s in my eyes” says another