what the hell is this stain?
– a memoir
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thank god 50 shades of grey got the R rating they wanted because what kid under 18 wouldn’t want to watch 50 shades of grey with a parent
The most unbelievable aspect of the Star Trek universe is that every ship they meet has compatible video conferencing facilities…
Me: Can you call my phone so I can find it?
Teen: UUGGHH. Can’t I just text you?
Narrator: She found her phone. After 387 text messages.
As a man with a beard, I can tell you, when you get sauce in there you just rub it in. It’s part of the beard now
Things I have in common with an avocado:
-If I’m just on my own I’m pretty bland
-I swing drastically and unpredictably from too hard to too soft
-I’m pleasant for only a very brief window of time
-I’m often found with chips
Take a stand against childhood obesity by chasing little fat kids down the street.
To the person that put “SMILE” as their name on the printer… I will not!! In fact, I will hunt you down and force you to watch me frown.
ME: Every tool in The Flintstones was an animal modified into servitude. Except for transportation. A role historically fulfilled by animals, yet man had to power their cars alone. It feels symbolically significant.
ARCHAEOLOGY PROFESSOR: How do you keep getting in here?
My biggest fear is dying in a car accident that doesn’t destroy my phone
How can you call yourself a pervert?
I’ve never seen you at any of the meetings.
It looks like someone put their IKEA Güsen together wrong.
rich people: i want to help
everyone: donate your money
rich people: if only there was something i could do
everyone: donate your money
rich people: some sort of gesture
everyone: donate. your. money.
rich people: here’s the lyrics to “same love” superimposed over a sunset!
bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh sorry, 2 minutes down the road
my mind
You just read my mind
Who called it “asking for sex” and not “pitchfork”
Cops hauled me away for drawing faces on potatoes and makin’ em kiss.
“It’s just too sexy” one cop whispered to me on our way to the jail
My favorite exchange on Twitter today.
This year is like when you accidentally touch wet cat food.
Pack a bag, we’re going on a tangent.
DON’T TELL ME THAT PLANTS MAKING THEIR OWN FOOD ISNT AMAZING. THATS LIKE YOU GOING TO TACO BELL BUT THE TACOS WERE INSIDE YOU THE WHOLE TIME
Sleep patterns are fascinating. There’s light sleep, where your heart rate slows; deep sleep, where you can’t easily be wakened; and REM sleep, where you lose your religion.
Life hack:
Do all the dishes after your kids go to bed so you can have clean silverware for the first 47 minutes of the next day.
I do my best speed walking when I’m trying to beat another customer to the checkout at the liquor store.
Possessed by deviled eggs.
Someone call an eggcorcist.
Like watching a full length movie – but in just 27-seconds…
When someone you don’t wanna see tries to make plans with you
People are writing condolences on my Grandma’s Facebook that sound more like Yelp reviews of her. Great woman, very loving, 5/5 stars
A coward dies a thousand deaths, a soldier dies but one. That’s why I look up to cowards, enduring so many deaths makes you strong.
21 year old me: i’ll have my shit together when im 31
31 year old me: lmao nope
[Doctors appointment]
Me: It hurts when I go like this. *gets up and leaves and goes to work*