Hubby is redoing Sis’s kitchen. Today he kicked down a wall like a one man SWAT team. I’ve got the ibuprofen gel on standby.
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Shouts out to the Trump Tower suction cup guy for being the second craziest person to ascend that building.
5:00 pm: birds are amazing, I wish I had more time to enjoy nature
5:00 am: I want to murder every living bird
*hannibal lecter’s shopping list*
fava beans
a nice chianti
dave
Luke, I am your uncle.
Luke, I am your third cousin.
Luke, I am your grandmother.– Skywalker family reunion
*robbing a bank with a chainsaw*
Me: GIVE ME ALL Y-
Teller: WHAT
M: GIVE ME THE MONEY
T: SIR YOU CAN’T HAVE THAT IN HERE
M: WHAT
Lawns are weird. Let’s grow 7000 of the same thing and nothing else.
[at the pet store]
Me: is this all the animals?
Owner: what you see is what we got
Me: damn, i was looking for a chameleon
me: [dancing in a well lit area]
Bruce Springsteen: absolutely not
[blind date]
Me: Oooh here she comes. Ok fella act cool. YOU GOT THIS
Her: Hi, I’m Linda
Me: *nose-whistles Despacito in its entirety*
me: babe watch me flip this omelette!
her: cool
me: now watch me kick flip this omelette!!
her: sick!!!
The AC guy is coming tomorrow and I expect him to fix all of my typos
When I randomly walk into a room in my home and find my kids playing quietly together I slowly and silently back out like I’ve stumbled into a den of hungry velociraptors who by some miracle haven’t noticed me yet.
Whenever I see a job advertisement, I respond to it. It’s called MANNERS
I think there should be a mandatory test at 16 that you have to pass and if not, you get neutered or spayed.
I’m deleting all my dating apps cause I’m worried my boyfriend might find out about them
Husband:
My uncle (111 M) gifted me (50 M) a ring before leaving to go travelling. A close family friend (2,019 M) told me to destroy the ring due to problematic associations with the jeweller who made it, but the ring is precious to me and I would feel guilty throwing it away. AITA?
Alarm clock set for 6:00 am
Bladder set for 5:54 am
[first day in prison]
me: I was told to join the meanest, most violent group in here so I was wondering if you guys had a spot open
guard: what
*wife walks over to me*
*cups my face with her hands*
*looks me in the eye*“Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?”
me telling my computer i’ll update everything tomorrow
Daffodil totally sounds like an insult, you blooming daffodil
Aliens will always remain unidentified because they’re embarrassed to be associated with us humans.
I like washing dishes by hand because it relaxes my mind, plus you can use the steak knives to play Wolverine.
My work here is done
finally
MURDERER *panicking as he’s stabbing an acupuncturist* you’re just getting stronger
peep davidson
Me: “Gee Thanks for spilling Cheerios all over the floor.”
3yo: “You’re welcome Mom, look at this!”*scatters more on floor
I deserve that.
9 times out of 10 my problems can be fixed with something potato based.
me: wanna hear a joke about a guy who questions everything
her: sure
me: why