[me as a drug dealer]
Me: wanna buy some acid?
Guys: yeah, whaddya got?
Me: I’ve got fatty, amino, and folic
Guys: (stab me repeatedly)
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A guy that was falsely imprisoned for 10 years got free tickets to the Super Bowl. That guy is SO lucky.
“You see those footprints? It looks like our killer had feet.”
– If you want to know why I was fired as a writer on CSI.
[after drug rehab]
Jon Arbuckle: Hey Garfield
Garfield: *normal cat noises*
The enemy of my enemy is my friend unless they don’t dance and if they don’t dance well they’re no friend of mine.
[teaching my boyfriend cards]
ME: the blue ones represent logic, the yellow are morality & order, the green use instinct & interdependence, and the red value chaos & impulse
HIM: *frantically flipping through UNO instruction booklet*
i think muppets being in horror movies would be better than the original: a thread
“I got kicked out of a golf tournament for heckling a player with a funny name.”
“Boo Weekley?”
“No. I yelled. Loudly.”
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I invited a couple to a party that she’s planning without telling her.
2016: Trump elected
2018: Border wall completed
2020: Mexico takes Gold, Silver & Bronze in Pole Vault at the Summer Olympics
If Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you tie enough balloons to your house, you will eventually find a dog.
NASA: How’s it looking up there, guys?
ASTRONAUT: I’ve never seen anything so beautiful.
FROG: [lost in his spacesuit] I’m struggling tbh.
No thank you free mattress on the side of the road, I prefer to get my crabs the old fashioned way, by sleeping with complete strangers.
justin timberlake: lose the “the.” just “facebook.” it’s cleaner
mark zuckerberg: wow. yeah
me: [bought the domain name “ back in 1997 and have been looking for my opening ever seen]: or what if we called it yogurt dot com
you know you drank too much when you wake up and your liver is on the pillow next to you crying.
She wears short skirts
I eat pizza
She’s cheer captain
And I’m still eating pizza
COP: I’m arresting you
ME: oh no
COP: You must make one phone call
ME: OH NO
if the earth is so flat explain why cats haven’t pushed everything off it yet. you can’t.
My mom called and gave me the weekly weather report. I can’t wait to do this to my kids.
( 12pm. )
Friends: Want to go grab some lunch?
Me: Nah, I’m on a diet.
( 12am )
Me:
Pretty excited about making a huge Thanksgiving feast so my daughter can eat a roll.
At jury duty they said, “You do not have to be fluent in English.” So what you’re supposed to do is just guess if the guy is innocent.
When your daughter asks “are your snacks more important than me??” you should NOT pause to think.
I know this now.
Jeff Golblum playing a Star Wars producer: hmmmlaser swords you say? Mmm hmmm ha ha ha, okay, but here’s the thing I want there to be a small frog man to have one of those …laser swords? do I have that right? yeah
My dog always pees against trees when we walk through the neighborhood
I do it one time and now I need bail
*gives rubber ducky a swig of my wine*
Everybody in this tub getting tipsy.
PC: You quit improperly.
ME: You froze.
PC: Next time quit properly.
ME: I didn’t quit.
PC: You lost your data.
ME: YOU lost my data.
PC: Would you like to send a report to Microsoft?
ME: That you fucked up?
PC: That’s not how it’ll read.
ME *reboots
PC: YOU SHUT DOWN IMPROPERLY.
airline: will you be checking your bags, sir
me: again? I did that three times at home
if aliens came to earth and found out that there was a department called ‘human resources’ in every single business they’d be like “oh crap there are other aliens here already” and i think that is very smart of us
My neighbors are arguing. So I threw 6 shoes in the dryer. They haven’t said a word since.
In Russia, Vladimir Putin has said that the killers of Nemtsov “will be ruthlessly hunted down.”
He added, “It’s cheaper than paying them”