I am so proud to be part of a society that needs television commercials to remind us not to lock our kids in hot cars.
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“Move miss, please get out of the way. Please get out of the way, miss. Please get out of the way.”- Ludacris’s cousin, Kurteous
Plastic bags biodegrade quicker than my mum getting to the point on the phone.
I switched all the labels on my wife’s spice rack.
I’m not in trouble yet, but the thyme is cumin.
*at party*
Guy: Want to dance?
Me: I’m sorry but I cannot, in good conscience, leave this cheese ball unattended.
My parents never allowed violent video games. Just family-friendly board games with questions like, “Who murdered this guy with a pipe?”
Fish look like they’re constantly being surprised by something.
“Oh wow, I don’t even recognize myself!”
-Lois Lane getting fitted for glasses
wife: maybe you should start working out again
me: [literally sweating from trying to open a can of pringles] why
Trust us: the feminine form of ‘ghostbuster’ is ‘ghostbuster’.
Still waiting for a sexy butler who can make me a grilled peanut butter and jelly sandwich for lunch, and text with my mother.
forget nudes: in 2019 we’re sending pics in our fanciest attire. gauzy floral skirts. ball gowns. the kind of fur coat worn by a wealthy lady who has been thrice-widowed and hasn’t seen her fourth husband in some time.
[watching basketball highlights] These guys never miss
Yeah it’s disrespectful when someone copies your tweet word for word to appear like they wrote it.
But honestly? It almost feels worse when you see someone copied your tweet AND it got no likes or retweets.
Like wait wtf why didn’t their friends like my joke tho? 😤 How rude.
[on the club dancefloor]
DATE: *shouting over music* I LIKE A MAN WHO’S… COORDINATED
ME: MY SHIRT MATCHES MY UNDERWEAR
Boomers will say no one makes good music anymore then put on some Bob Dylan song that sounds like a bridge troll’s riddle being played in reverse
Them: you know what’s good for depression? Fish and nuts
Me: *slaps them around the face with a tuna and kicks them in the nuts
…you’re right, I do feel better now.
I was 14 before I realized that banana peels and anvils weren’t America’s leading causes of death.
The Purge, but only for people who use their speakerphones in public.
Imagine falling in love with someone and then finding out they say “worthwild”
It’s not difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. One will see you in a while whereas the other will see you later.
My daughter is at that age where she’s starting to get bouquets of flowers from boys. I’m at that age where the next time I get flowers, it will be at my funeral.
I wanted to feel like a kid again so I soaked every towel getting out of the shower and trashed the bathroom.
the neighborhood teens have left so many burning bags of garbage on my lawn that everyone thinks that this is the place you burn garbage now
Pro tip: never take a laxative and a sleeping pill at the same time.
Two crows fall in love, move in together, start a family.
The perfect murder.
*sees group of firemen standing around a campfire*
me: hEY leave that little guy alone
Somehow, I must have switched shopping carts while I was at the store. I don’t remember buying any of this stuff.
Or having an Asian baby.
HIPSTER COP: *into radio* “We’ve got a 13-88 in progress…it’s a pretty rare crime, you probably wouldn’t know it”
don’t talk to me until I’ve had 3 iced coffees & argued with a lady about terriers & threw an iced coffee in her face
Sober me: I hate drunk people
Me after first drink: WHERE MY DRUNK PEOPLE AT