Autocorrect changed “decaffeinated” to “defecated”, and despite what my wife may claim, I’m pretty sure she knew what I wanted a cup of.
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me: one Big Mac with no cherries
cashier: cherries?
me: no thanks
Okay, which one of you asked if this year could get any worse?
ME: Good date?
FRIEND: Ok. Until he got undressed
ME: Then what?
FRIEND: [sticks out pinky finger]
ME: Ah. Then he drank tea in a fancy way
If it doesn’t make you afraid to go to the bathroom the next day, it’s not really hot sauce.
Him: Your hands are as soft as a turtle’s armpit!
Me: We have to breakup.
me: *eating burrito* so how do I die?
psychic: ok I’ll tell you
me: *eating third burrito* don’t you need to use your crystal ball?
psychic: no I’m pretty confident
[first day as astronaut]
*vomits
Me: That’s normal, right?
Instructor: Not during a written exam, no
A kid asked me how babies are made once and I panicked and said 3D printers because no one has ever explained it to me either.
Nailed it! #Tekken #King #cosplay
I love having a bowl for my keys by the door, it’s really helpful to have one less place to look for them
When a relative asks me what I’m doing with my life, I tell more lies than a guy at a computer whose wife just asked him what he’s doing.
Mama Bear: The porridge is ready
Papa Bear: Perfect let’s leave for a couple of hours
Seriously joggers?! You’re gonna run and carry on a conversation at the same time?
And I’m all outta breath just finishing this McMuffin!!!
Hey m&m’s, I’ll be the judge if this bag is shareable or not.
Please, pdf is my father. Call me pdf (1)
A woman was arrested when her boyfriend’s body was found in a freezer in their living room. Who the hell puts a freezer in the living room?
*school reunion*
Guy: Reporter is cool I spose. I became a doctor so I could actually help people ya know
Clark Kent: *fist clenched* mmm hm
“Don’t worry, I’ll hold your stuff. You just worry about making friends.” – Cargo Pants
Me: Unhand me you scoundrel!
Masseuse: Please stop saying that
Of course my husband went into sales. He told his drill sergeant at basic training he was allergic to fish because he didn’t like fish and got a sandwich made for him. IN THE ARMY.
[demonstrating my new invention, The Crocbrella] I did not think this through.
I’m prepared for anything.
Pull the rug out from under me and you’re gonna find another rug under there.
Darth Vader: *kazoo noise*
Moff Tarkin: Someone put a kazoo in your face mask again while you were sleeping?
Darth Vader: *sad kazoo noise*
Yall keep making fun of millennials you gonna regret all those karate lessons you bought us
Finish all your pizza or you don’t get any ice cream!
– me, making my kids eat their dinner before dessert
Register for a new blender on your baby registry. It drowns out the crying and makes margaritas. You’re welcome.
My daughter found my twitter. I have just one thing to say – clean your room.
Daylight Saving Time is increasingly hard to notice when my digital are devices are like, “What? Nothing happened. We know what time it is.”
And my stove is left blinking and screaming, “IT HAPPENED! TIME SHIFTED UNNATURALLY! THEY’RE ALL LYING! ONLY I KNOW! ONLY I REMEMBER!”
My 2 year old just figured out how to block light from getting in her eyes using her hands and now she’s verbally taunting the sun. I appreciate her moxie, but a literal star war with a nuclear reactor 330,000 times the size of the Earth is the LAST thing we need right now.
why steal office supplies from work when you could take an extra long bathroom break and steal company time instead