me: it doesn’t have a tail so i’m pretty sure it’s a hamster
tech support: okay fine right-click the hamster
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“Quit” is not in my vocabulary but “resign”, “drop out”, and “give up” are.
Me at dinner on a first date: I’m not answering any more questions without a lawyer.
Facial recognition technology, but for me when I’m talking to people I’ve apparently met before.
More people would get the booster if it came with fries.
I used to think girls were super nice to each other in bar washrooms until my friend came back from one thinking she should get bangs
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
Finally, a month dedicated to nut allergy awareness.
Next time I open up to somebody it will be an autopsy.
*goes in bank with finger guns*
This is a robbery!
“no one’ll take you seriously-”
*switches to double barrel finger guns*
“do what he says”
Peeling onions is great because you get to cry about everything in front of your kids and blame supper.
[looking disappointed at the playboy mansion]
i was told there’d be bunnies
[7 minutes in heaven]
Me: so, I’ve never made out with anyone before, have you? We don’t have to if you don’t want to. I don’t want to make you uncomfortable. Ugh I’m rambling now aren’t I. Sorry, I’m just nervous haha
Jesus: you’ve been up here 7 minutes what is wrong with you
Eve: I got an Apple.
Adam: …
Eve: …
Adam: …
Eve: What?
Adam: I thought we’d decided on Android.
Eve: The serpent said this was better.
When you hire me, I should be able to make HR click an “I agree to the terms and conditions” button like installing software updates. A month later, they ask why I didn’t show up to work on Monday and I laugh and say “Looks like somebody didn’t read page 147.”
awkward
Before we start our poker night, I’d like to take a few minutes and talk to you guys about these great new products from Tupperware…
Weird how people think I won’t summon Satan when they talk to me while chewing.
Life’s too short for 1-ply friends. You need people who can handle your shit.
Gym instructor: What’s your main purpose for working out?
Me: Knorr cubes. Yea. Need to be strong enough to break them.
Millions stunned and blindsided to learn Tim Allen had been on a network sitcom for like the last six years or something
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: Medium Double Quarter Pounder meal please.
Cop: Step out of the vehicle.
Me: Sprite.
FB: you have memories to look back on
Wine: i’ll take care of this
This tree does a lot of weird exercises
I wonder if Van Halen realized they were writing music just to lift weights to.
Before you feel flattered that I have a crush on you, please remember that I’ve spent the last hour and a half fantasizing about a sausage, egg, and cheese biscuit.
Hot Pockets- Now with 5 cheese!
Me- *adding both nacho and spray cheese* Amateurs
Did the math. Facebook is worth $100 billion and with 800 million users that puts the value of a life at $12.50. Never pay a hitman more.
Social experiments where skinny people wear fat suits teach us to be nicer to fat people because it might be a skinny person in a fat suit.
My version of dry January is just trying to see if I can get through the month without any poopcidents. So far it’s been an epic fail.