“If only children came with instructions,” the witch lamented while preheating the oven
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It’s like nobody at this Bed Bath and Beyond appreciates me taking intimate selfies on every bed so I can decide which comforter brings out my natural beauty.
Ke$ha in different currencies:
Ke£ha,
Ke€ha,
Ke¥ha.
Lucky she chose USD… British KePoundHa or Vietnamese KeDongHa might sound a bit odd
I love spending 20 mins wrapping cocktail weiners in croissant dough so the 3yo at the party can take off the ‘crust’ and eat just the ‘hotdog’.
Dear Lord,
Thank you for these noodles I’m about to eat and the good deal I got buying them in bulk at Costco. RA-MEN!
BRAIN: here comes a compliment guys
HEART: yay!
ANXIETY: idk about this
INSECURITY: [bats it away] close one
I don’t usually complain about the way people decorate their cubicles Tina but you should know my entire family was killed by a dachshund.
Women: “Do you remember that time…”
Men: “No”
[gets exhausted after having sex for five minutes] “Go on without me”
[first day as a baker]
boss: WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THAT?
me: you said to make donuts
b: THAT’S NOT HOW WE MAKE THE HOLES!
m: oh… in that case you may want to avoid the cream-filled ones too
ME: I think human cloning is a big mistake
ALSO ME: ok wow, I’m right here
[Pizza falls on the ground]
Hold
HOLD!
-Germ boss telling his minions not to jump on the pizza until it’s been a full five seconds.
“Well, there’s no circle thingy with the slash through it, so I guess it’s okay.”
“Stop stealing your sister’s imaginary hot chocolate” is not a sentence I ever expected to say, let alone saying it multiple times at increasing volume
God: is it done?
Noah: yea
God: whats this
Noah, proudly: a swing set
God: you built a park. I asked for an ark
Noah: a what?
God: a boat
Noah: say boat then
My girlfriend was bitten by a chicken. Now every full moon I’ll have to date a were-chicken.
ME: [gets into a car accident]
EMT: Sir, please step out of the vehicle, we’re trying to save lives
Pros of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
Cons of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
This puppy is lit but those puppies are litter
I saw an attractive girl in the UK and said to her “you look like a million pounds”. That’s how I got this black eye.
Being single gives me time to focus on other things like getting fat
My sister FaceTimed me this morning and I answered hungover and obviously not looking the best and all she did was start laughing really hard at my face and then goes “ugh thank you I needed that!” then just hung up
My mom once called me at 3am to tell me some long lost relative died and hung up on me when I asked if they’d still be dead at 8am.
trainer: Why are you here?
everyone else: To get fit!
me [with a mouthful of gummy bears] Mmfff
I could probably survive about a week in the wilderness eating only the food I spill on my shirt any given day.
I’m like a potato because I’m:
-not special, but I’m usually likeable
-full of carbs
-not always good for you
-really white under this outer layer
-round
-smashable
-more interesting when I’m salty
-tasty if slathered in butter
Left work, txted wife “Coming homo.” Then I txted her “Haha whoops, I meant BEcoming homo.”
I’m thinking about getting a mirror over my bed so I can watch myself while I’m eating cereal.
Apparently the guy next to me and I aren’t even going to discuss who uses this armrest.
*stands on scanner at self checkout, weighing self after keying in mango code, just to see what net worth is in mangoes