Vegans with children named ‘Hunter’ are why I lie awake at night.
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Hear me out. Organ harvest festival.
“I love the Fall, the trees are so pretty”
It’s fall??
“Ya, so what?”
[leaves start attacking everyone]
OMG THE LEAVES HAVE TURNED
Fashion designers: What do you want?
Me: something that hides my belly fat, shows off my curves and something even an 80 year old would find comfortable
Fashion designers: we don’t do magic
Idea: a neck tattoo that depicts a man having an unsuccessful job interview because of his neck tattoo
Hubby got all smug when our son asked him for girl advice so I confirmed that if he wants to bag a girl like me then daddy’s the man for the job and shut that shit down
Bank ads make me want to hide my money under my mattress.
They also make me want to acquire some money for hiding, but that’s a side issue.
WIFE: Don’t tell the kids but I threw away those awful pictures they made & stuck on the fridge
ME: [sprinting towards the bin] MY ART
How to lose a gf:
Gf: which of my friends would be the most fun to have a 3some with?
Me: *names two of them*
Did a little self diagnosing over on Web MD and it turns out I’ve been dead since 2006
We need a Disney princess who is great at basketball and also a golden retriever
A woman just told me I should leave twitter if I don’t have anything sensible to say.
She’s obviously a newbie.
If it weren’t for the gutter, my mind would be homeless.
I found something called bath bombs in the cabinet and honestly I had no idea we were even at war with the tub
Rob thank god you picked up! Hey remember when you said if I needed a place to crash I cou- hold on *to copilot* STOP CRYING, ROB WILL HELP
Sometimes I feel so bad about not being perfect but then I remember people who expect you to be perfect all the time are exhausting and then I scratch my armpits like a monkey.
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
my love language is feeding you rotisserie chickens with my bare hands at 4am while you’re asleep.
Hello Darkness, my old frie- *the lights suddenly turn on* oh it’s like that now?
Instead of butterfly kisses, I give you moth kisses. They’re crazy, frantic, all over the place- and quite honestly, you’re terrified.
watching silence of the lambs, when i saw it as a teenager it was obviously a film about a cannibal killer guy but watching it again now it’s about a woman being leered at by creepy guys from all angles except the psycho killer guy who is genuinely interested in her as a person
Me: oh no please stop stabbing me
Murderer: your sarcasm is ruining this
Shout out to all the dormant volcanoes out there, just chillin’, keepin’ that magma to themselves and whatnot.
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their GODS lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
Son, “Something wicked this way comes.”
-me, walking into the kitchen
There should be a place on the organ donor card that lets you leave your middle finger to a person you hate.
I can’t wait for my mom to come to my new house so she can tell me how I organized the kitchen wrong.
Captain: *opens treasure chest* Arrgh! It be just a mirror!
First Mate: Look closely, Cap’n
Captain: *studies* The treasure… is me?
Crew: Happy Birthday, Cap’n!
Captain: *sniff* Yarrr
The voices in my head have been quiet for a while. They probably broke something.
My nail technicians always speak their native language around me and I can’t help but feel left out…it’s like…come on besties…I want to make fun of me too
No, I can’t come to your wedding. I just realized the remote works through the blanket.