I’m teaching my boys to leave the toilet seat up so there’s no pee on it when I put it down. Everything is a lie and life is a bad dream.
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ME: (falling to my death in an elevator shaft) lol shaft
[meeting girlfriend’s dad]
Me: nice to meet you, Mr. Phillips
Him: Dr, I have a PhD
Me: oh, nice to meet you Dr. Phdillips
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
Nephew drops my iPad, doesn’t say sorry but proceeds to offer me a biscuit.
His future in Politics is secure.
Okay, I can see the head, keep pushing!
[married convo]
Her: Hey, babe…guess what?
Him: What?
Her: *whispers* I’m not wearing any panties.
Him: You need me to do laundry?
I would totally waterboard you.
-me flirting
I wish I had the self-confidence of people on Twitter who threaten to unfollow others unless their demands are met.
“These are serious allegations”
You never hear about anyone making hilarious allegations.
Who called it “the equals sign” and not “the aftermath”?
“Subpar accommodations. One star.” – Oldest known TripAdvisor rating for Bethlehem.
Photographer: Ok, let’s get a good natural smile. Relax and just let it happen.
Me:
Nothing works harder than my sports bra when I’m chasing the ice cream truck.
*flashlight under chin*
Me: And then the accountant told her how many more years she had to work until retirement.
*all the adults scream*
[quickly jumps into the back of a cab]
ME: How far will this get me? *i hand the driver 14 peanut m&ms with the chocolate sucked off*
i’m a 10 (tion deficit)
[Watching boxing]
Sure bro, I watch boxing all the ti- HEY DID YOU SEE WHAT HE JUST DID?! HE JUST PUNCHED THAT GUY! SOMEONE CALL THE COPS!
I woke up and did 75 crunches.
Cap’n Crunches, but still.
What do you call a man with no car???
…an Uber.
David Copperfield: Ok I want everyone in the audience to think of a color. Ready? Ok, is your color grey?
Audience full of Dogs: OMG!
My girlfriend said she bought the lingerie for me, but then got upset when I put it on… I dont get women.
My father: you can’t tell me what to do! THERE ARE NO RULES.
Me: …Dad, this is a card game.
As Head Priestess of the North Glendale coven…in addition to requesting YET AGAIN everyone sign up for unholy committee duties…I’ll reiterate that your amulets MUST be smaller than mine, yes I mean yours Susan. Also there’s a Prius blocking the driveway. All hail the Dark Lord.
[to the two wolves inside me]
do you need to go outside and go potty
You’re clearly insane. Ok, I’ll give you twelve more chances
A gentleman always straightens out the vending machine after shaking it.
DOCTOR: [holding $5 bill] what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay but you’re still dying
ME: [hands him another $5 bill]
The cat puked all over the bath mat so I just tossed it into the trash can. Then I put the bath mat in the washer.
I’m not a dietitian, but if you eat pizza right at midnight your body doesn’t know if the calories go towards yesterday or today so they don’t count
I laughed at my husband when he asked me why the kids were off of school for Valentine’s Day. This is Texas son, they’re off because it follows the day after the Super Bowl.