Before a long trip I drink allot of alcohol the night before. Dehydration will work for me for once.
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We are watching “It” from last year and not for nothin’ but Pennywise is mostly very bad at his job.
My Nephew called me ‘lazy’ when I took him shopping in Morrisons today.
I was so shocked I nearly fell out the trolley.
“Can I get a do-over?” – Me, playing golf, tennis (or pretty much any sport), taking a test, having sex, making a speech, living my life….
[being dragged off the plane]
Wait! Those are my 30-50 service hogs!
My boss: So… [dramatic pause]
Me, uncomfortable with silence: …a needle pulling thread?
“Some people say I’m an animal in the sack.” – baby kangaroo
If I had 3 wishes I’d spend them on my daughter.
Happiness, success and her very own little shithead who refuses to replace the TP roll.
me, as a child: I beat all my sisters at hide and seek today!
my dad: that’s good, but your brother Daniel is the reigning champ
me: who
A good way to meet all of your neighbors at once is to take the trash out, in your pajamas.
Me: *stressed
My spouse: Do you want me here or do you want me to leave you alone?
Me, now a stressed psychopath: Both.
– Will you donate your organs when you die?
– No, I will not do anything when I die. I will be dead.
The Times needs to give an immediate raise to whoever wrote this headline
I’m not moody, I’m just on shuffle
Get off of twitter and pay attention to me
Netflix, probably
Just pretended to not know what a Cheeto was to get an extra sample at Costco
I always double-check our garage door is closed at night. I don’t want someone stealing all the stuff we’ve been trying to get rid of for years.
That guy who narrates the true crime shows has the most soothing voice. He should be reading bedtime stories or something but instead he’s saying stuff like “Then he cut off her head and dumped her car in the river” all chill and mellow.
me at family reunion: im sick of you being called the cool one
brother who once attended a taping of the price is right: it is what it is
Me: *pouts at front facing camera*
Front facing camera: I have a girlfriend.
We have a big clock on the wall of our living room and now my toddler, who can’t say her L’s very well, loves pointing out other “big clocks” everywhere we go
[5:30AM]
BRAIN: I’ll just go to the bathroom, but keep my eyes closed so I don’t wake up.
BODY: I’ll just clip my head on the door frame.
This doctor doesn’t know what he’s talking about. I’m pretty sure “Esophagus” is that hairy elephant on Sesame Street.
So a baby crawls across the floor to its bottle and it’s cute but when I do it I’m “in need of an intervention”?
[Haunted House]
Ghost:You’ve been here a week
Me: I like you
G:You knew what this was
M: I thought I was your boo
G: I say that to everyone
If a child’s survival depended on my ability to share bacon, I would weep greasy, bacony tears at that child’s funeral.
he said he adored my imperfections.
and i was like WHAT IMPERFECTIONS????
*washing car*
Neighbor: “You washing your car?”
Me: “No. I’m watering it to see if it grows into a bus.”
That moment when Exam Invigilator looks at your answer sheet and address whole class
“Students, please make sure that you are reading the questions carefully”