*meets someone from France*
I’m a big fan of your toast!
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[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: What kind of body do you want to have?
ME: *leans in close* I’d prefer human
Me, gently telling my kids that I ate the rest of the ice cream: Your dad ate the rest of the ice cream.
*Packing for a trip*
Maybe I’ll bring my workout gear. I mean I haven’t worked out in 5 years but I might start on this trip.
God: i’ll just make it a combined food and air pipe with a little switch flap. That’ll probably work fine
[mind reader club]
speaker:
audience:
speaker:
audience: *clapping*
If you give a man a fish he’ll eat for a day but if you teach a kid how to make pop tarts your job as a parent is pretty much done
Every time this gets RTed a member of Congress gets kicked in the groin.
attention murderers, please do not murder me for the next 1 hour and 40 minutes as i am once again watching How To Train Your Dragon
Coworker: Did you know a blue whale’s arteries are big enough for a person to swim through?
Me: DID YOU KNOW THE KUERIG DOESN’T JUST MAGICALLY REFILL ITSELF, DAN?
Started to watch Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny and I saw the warning that it contains tobacco depictions so I threw my TV in the street. Not in this household.
I canceled my plans to go swimming because it was threatening to rain. I was OK with getting wet but only on my terms.
Me: *looking in my closet* I have nothing to wear
Murderer: *cramped inside* agree to disagree
My mom registered to see me speak at an academic conference at Yale, and under “affiliation” on the form she wrote “Sarah’s mom” 😂
Met my step goal stirring extra cheese into my Fettuccine Alfredo. Follow me for more exercise tips.
Women aren’t hard to read
For example: When she looks you in the eyes, puts her hair in a ponytail, then starts throwing all your shit out
You’re done bro
Black Friday “markdowns” like
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
Archbishop: If anyone objects to this wedding…
Prince William: Me! Meghan, I adore you!
Prince Harry: Wut?!!! I adore her!Spin Doctors whip out their instruments & huddle together: okay, guys… we’ve been training for this our whole lives!
sitcoms would be a lot more believable if they had 5 loads of laundry waiting to be folded on the sofa
Stop sending me this shit.
Halloween is great bc kids just show up at your door and hold out bags of candy for you to steal
when all of your friends are at a bar that doesn’t allow you inside because one time you brought a sword in there
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
A man at a cemetery for Titanic victims claims to have taken a photo of a ghost. The ghost reportedly said “there was room for two people.”
I’m hoping Dune 2 gives me new opportunities to pun off Paul Atreides.
Paul: Fear is the mind killer
Me: Paul AfraidesPaul: Doctor Yeuh has double-crossed us
Me: Paul Betraydes
Everyone rags on Facebook, but where else can you get a weather update, religious counseling, and a peach cobbler recipe all in one site.
Doctor – “you’ve been bitten by a spider. Ever see that movie Spider-Man?”
Me – “no?”
Doctor – “and I’m afraid you never will. You’re dying”
THERAPIST: You need more friends
ME: I put bird seed that attracts raccoons in the backyard, last week
THERAPIST: …
ME: …
THERAPIST: … So all of these-
ME: [surrounded by raccoons] Whatever you have to say to me, you can say in front of the garbage boys
why does my dog sprint after he poops like he’s fleeing the scene of a crime