A website for religious potato chip lovers…Christian Pringle.
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A smart woman knows when to give up and walk away
A southern woman has a shotgun and a shovel named give up and walk away
Me: My friend is having a birthday party for his dog.
Her: How old is he?
Me: (Sigh) Too old to be having a birthday party for his dog….
If someone is jogging at 7am on a Sunday – it’s because they’ve just killed someone right?
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and found the 1000s of pictures you have of them sleeping
I never thought you could get your hand stuck in a ukulele
But here we are
I (a Nigerian Prince) have been having some thoughts about getting gold into America and wondered if you were in a good space mentally to send me your credit card info
The Goonies went looking for pirate treasure and ended up finding the greatest treasure of all: pirate treasure.
Indiana Jones: I present the Ark of the Covenant, sacred crypt of the Ten Commandments.
Rick from Pawn Stars: I’ll give you 25 bucks.
My neighbor has a huge warehouse/shop and is alway in there banging away on something or doing stuff but never really producing anything. I just know that one day Dateline is going to interview me and ask if I knew what was going on in there…
hey guys I chipped my tooth and now I can do the land down under flute solo when I laugh
huge if true: the moon
Her: Has anyone ever told you that you’re a narcissist?
Me: Many times. What can I say? Nobody’s perfect.
Except for me, obviously.
Doctor: we saved your dad but he’s part owl now
Son: Dad it’s me
Dad: *head turned 180°* who
Son: very funny
Doctor: yeah he has amnesia too
Awkward silences? No problem. Just start beatboxing. Does it make things any less awkward? Absolutely not. But it eliminates the silence. Now it’s just awkward beatboxing. You’re welcome.
It’s not a walk of shame if you leave on a pogo stick.
Me: *Chivalrously places jacket on a puddle so the lady won’t step in it*
Woman whose water just broke: Please just call 911
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with confetti canons because I like to party
The most rewarding part of having a teenage daughter is having someone who looks exactly like you, acts just like you but who also finds everything about you absolutely repulsive
Just painted around a ceiling fan and on the next coat I’m gonna turn the damn thing off.
At the pub, it’s my job to inform people of the roots of words. I’m the designated deriver.
Me: Will you marry me?
Her: No
Backing singers: She said no! she said no!
Me: Not now
Priest: You may now kiss the bride.
Me: Do I have to?
And after all these years, she *still* won’t admit how funny that was.
Wife [walking into house]: Ummm..
Me: [recreating “You Better Shape Up Scene” from Grease with my dog dressed as Sandy]: You’re home early.
It frustrates me when people refuse to adopt the technology of the day and respond promptly to my faxes.
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: goodnight
me: goodnight stars 🙂
stars: goodnight
me: goodnight planetarium security guard 🙂
security guard: how the hell did you get in here
INTERVIEWER: So, do you have any questions for me?
ME: What’s the Wi-Fi password?
I: About the job
M: What is the company Wi-fi password?
dracula is the original vampire, which means all other vampires are technically his kids. but has he ever paid child support?? dracula is nothing but a deadbeat dad, that’s why he can’t look at himself in the mirror, he’s too ashamed
Just learned an important lesson: When texting “wish you were here,” that last e kind of makes it or breaks it.
My mom on the phone: “Hi hon, how’s your libido?”
Vertigo. She meant my vertigo.