They should make statues of regular people. Like you’re walking through the park and there’s a statue of your friend Jeff
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It’s only Quarantine if it’s in the Quarante province of France. Otherwise it’s just Sparkling Isolation.
mad respect to the toddler that stuck their head under the gas station bathroom stall today to say hey
So sweet. An A380 playing in the snow.
TORTURER: I’m gonna water-board you
ME: Haha sure, bet you haven’t even got enough water
TORTURER: *takes Tupperware out of the dishwasher*
ME: Shit
Lifeguard is the weirdest job. Like hey, you’re 16 years old, make sure no one dies.
me: [on phone] I need a doctor’s appointment
receptionist: it’s going to be at least a month
me: ok I’ll hold
*waits to answer so he misses me*
(5 seconds later) okay, that’s long enough
sweetie, she doesn’t mean anything to me. please look at me
Just turned forty-three. I really thought I’d have a nemesis by now. There’s a duck at the park I don’t like, but that’s about it.
Windows 10 has an extremely unhelpful error message
Honk if you are flying south for the winter in a V formation.
Yes, Neil, everything sounds better when you have a great voice. That’s how sound works.
If you smash someone on the head with a banjo it’s just horrible. But for half a second it sounds pretty damn funny.
4-year-old: What’s “saying grace?”
Me: It’s when we thank the one who provided our food.
4-year-old: We thank the microwave?
There was a sign at work that said, “NO MICROWAVING FISH” which is crazy because I can’t think of anything cuter than a teeny tiny fish waving
I just realized how much money I’m gonna save on education when I drove past a field with cows in it and my 4yo says “hey look moo cows oink oink oink!”
Me: there’s only one thing about Halloween that really scares me
Her: which is?
Me: exactly
In dog beers I’ve only had 2.
This earthquake was the first time that I’ve ever said, “it was 4.7, but felt bigger.”
Whoever named the moon did a horrible job, that thing controls our oceans they should’ve tried harder
Pretty sure I could never successfully get away with a crime. I shed as bad as the cats! 😹
*plot gets twisted.
plot: Ouch!
Whenever I see someone at a restaurant eating all alone I always think the same thing, “lucky”
“HR says I’m not allowed to play horseshoes in the hallway anymore. They say it’s dangerous and it alarms the tenants on the floor below.”
“HR? You don’t have a job.”
“Tell them that.”
We live by the school and my tween’s friends keep dropping by for food. Like I’m a full blown adult and somehow middle schoolers are still taking my lunch.
I used to be God’s gift to women but now I’m God’s gift to the clickbait advertising industry.
Abs are made in the kitchen, but a six pack can be bought in a store
I think a Muppet should host the presidential debates
My run for political office would be short but filled with food eating competitions.
I have a dream that my son will one day live in a nation where he will not be judged by the size of his boat but by the motion of his ocean.