[first day as a lion tamer]
me: don’t worry i totally researched this…
ring master: um ok
me: *pulls out a pig and a meerkat* NOW SING
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When you find the right person, hang on to them with all your might, cuz getting any help at Home Depot can take forever.
picture a potato but sexy
lol i just tricked u into thinking of me naked
My wife’s leaving me for refusing to stop referring to our children as my Capri Son and Capri Daughter.
NAZI: I’m a Nazi
MEDIA: How controversial
NAZI: I said I was a Nazi
MEDIA: Your clothes are beautifully tailored
to get my cat to eat, I tell him about all the hungry cats in Catfrica
ME: *scattering remains* He loved this park.
PARK RANGER: But…but he hasn’t been cremated!
ME: *lowering axe* Cremated?
Was getting into my electric car and a dude was like “I’ve heard those are worse than normal cars for the environment.”
“Oh yeah, way worse. That’s why I got it.”Just agree with people. They have nowhere to go.
That stupid little run we do when someone holds the door open for us
Phones have become so expensive that if you fall and hear a cracking sound you pray that it was your leg.
doktor: did you get a drug test?
me: nah I know what I’m on
There are no atheists in parking lots where you’ve dropped your phone face down on the asphalt.
*Slams suitcase shut*
Me: Case closed.
Judge: Stop doing that.
Don’t be jealous but my kids managed to have 14 different fights in the 5 minute drive home from school.
“Don’t stop, don’t stop! Oh god, PLEASE DON’T STOP.” – me to the server grating cheese over my pasta plate
Do you, Karen, take David the Optometrist to be your lawfully wedded husband, for better or worse? Better… or worse? Better… or worse?
ME: Ed is coming over
WIFE: Ed who always talks about marathons or Ed who just blurts out country names?
ED: Iran
ME: I’m not sure
told my kids they were allowed to hit each other once per day so they should really think it through and not waste their one hit and now they’re calmly discussing when might be the best time to hit each other (but the actual hitting has stopped, I’m a genius)
Ignore her and she’ll go away, to buy a gun, but she’ll go away.
Achievement unlocked – 30th Birthday!
Life Exp +10
Knee HP -10
I don’t trust the so-called “mainstream media.” I get news from ouija boards and an angry owl living in the woods on the outskirts of town.
Just remembered this meme I made back in May of 2020.
Most embarrassing thing a human being can experience is publicly unrequited love. Second is having the noisy grocery cart.
This Valentines, tell them what you actually think of them 💕
my fridge has a screen so sometimes I get bored and photoshop myself to make it look like im in there
We need to overthrow that Tyrannosaurus Rex and democratically elect a Presidentosaurus Rex
Give me one reason why I shouldn’t pass this math class
“You held up 2 fingers just now”
Ok then give me that many reasons
The odds of being murdered by a chicken are low, but never zero.
Before asking for my advice, remember that I’ve been stuck upside down in a tree three times this week
Returning to the office, after working from home for 18 months, and all I worried about was would I have enough snacks to get me through the day
Celebrity Parent: You guys were named after awards I won.
Emmy: That’s cool.
Oscar: Wow, interesting.
Sag: You know, you did win a Tony…