Just been to the gym and there’s a new machine. Only used it for an hour, as I started to feel sick. It’s good though. It does everything: Kit-Kats, Mars Bars, Snickers, etc.
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9: The remote isn’t working
me: Did you smack it?
9: Yep
me: Did you push the button down really hard?
9: Yep
me: Well I’m out of ideas
The invisible woman had sex with the wolfman and now they’re expecting a where-wolf.
Teacher: Your daughter is doing so well at school we’d like to move her forward a year.
Me: *whispering* oh my god they invented time travel.
[murder trial]
LAWYER: So you unplugged your wife’s life support for five minutes?
COMPUTER TECH: Sometimes that works.
Baker: what should we call these delightful little pastries
Hannibal Lector: lady fingers
I heard fish is good for your brain but now I can’t get the smell out of my hair
My least favorite part of a burger or sandwich at a diner has to be the toothpick in the middle. I don’t care what the ingredient combinations are, that part always tastes the worst.
i wanna be one of those basic girls that’s really good at making shark coochie boards or whatever. you know, these.
Calling someone with glasses “four eyes” isn’t an insult. Know what else has four eyes? Two sharks. Now you feel stupid.
For $60, I will lift the curse. For $75, I will lift the curse & also get bagels.
All of your holes are looking great
– Croctologists
If Fitbit hired the owl from Duolingo we’d all be so buff
He’d keep us in line
SPOUSE: I have to work late Thursday
OUTER MONOLOGUE: I am going to miss you
INNER MONOLOGUE: I am going to eat something very stupid
Terribly Tuesday.
HER: congratulations on having twins
ME: triplets
HER: but there’s only two of them
ME: shit
Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Hey guys, welcome to my cooking channel, be sure to smash that subscribe button *children’s voices at the door* ok! let’s get started
If you ever have doubts about whether people are stupid, ask a tattoo artist what they’ve had to refuse to do for a customer
A telemarketer just called my cell phone.
I pretended to be a phone sex operator.
HE didn’t hang up.
…things got awkward.
I told 9 to eat the ice cream straight out of the container, because I’m teaching her basic life skills.
My mom licked her thumb and wiped a smudge on my face in public today, and now I have an urge to eat all my vegetables and go to bed at 8.
courtroom exchange of the day
Them: Bill, how are you doing?
Me: Last night I shaved my left leg and named it Delores. How do you think I’m doing?
[holds out handful of sliced cheese]
pick a card
Me- Look at the beautiful Christmas lights kids!
My husband- Woo buddy, I’d love to see their electric bill
I take off my sports bra like everybody else, dislocating one shoulder at a time.
librarian: that’s $34.92 in late fees
me: *whispers* waldo’s really hard to find
ramen noodles. roman numerals. raman numeroodles.
Please, my pastrami on rye. It’s very sick.
I can’t believe I live in a world where our only defense against a blizzard is buying extra milk.