[being chased by a murderer] can we slow down i’m not wearing a bra
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Me: how do I do taxes?
School: here’s a recorder
Me: what is a credit score?
School: just put it in your mouth and blow like this
Me: how do I choose the right healthcare plan?
School: HOT. CROSS. BUNS.
lmao i hate nyc corner dudes so much. rushing out this am to to the subway, I have on a big yellow (faux) fur coat…tell me why this dude yelled out, “go ahead big bird, looking fly!” 😂😭🐥
Wanna know my secret to rock hard abs? I ride the mechanical duck outside the grocery store 300 times a day.
windows 8: i got some updates
me: cool
windows: i have to restart
me: okay not now
windows: im going to
me: please dont
windows: lol
For once I would like to get through an entire work day without my boss waking me up.
Always trust the judgements of a man who honestly answers to the question ‘What’s up?’
*Jumps on bandwagon*
Bandwagon: I have a girlfriend
My belly popped the button off my pants today so don’t tell me my quarantine-cation was uneventful.
Not to brag but I read the instructions before I did something today. I didn’t follow them, but still.
You should be my grillfriend. Not a typo, girl. You’re hot enough to cook meat on.
Despite 100s of years of evolution, when someone is vomiting our brains can only ever come up with “are you alright?”
Nature abhors a vacuum. And dogs. Dogs also abhor a vacuum.
*dipping a pine cone in my coffee* Gosh I just love fall
Me: I’d never go to Australia. Everything there wants you dead.
Her: You should feel right at home then.
Me: 😐
Me: *in fancy men’s clothes shop having just been told he price of the suit I was admiring* “Yes, yes I see… and how much for the hanger?”
I’ve been deep cleaning my house, so far I’ve removed 2,547 rocks 6,872 leaves and 4,925 sticks from my kid’s rooms.
Lmfao
My 1-year-old found a jar of Play-Doh.
I figured she couldn’t do any harm if she couldn’t open it.
She threw it at her sister’s head.
*bangs toe*
*never calls toe again*
Man “addicted to brake fluid” claims he can stop any time he wants.
“911? Help, my house is burning down!”
“Sir, we’re sending the fire brigade right now.”
“I HAVE ENOUGH FIRE I DON’T NEED A BRIGADE OF IT.”
My brother said he’d have to call me back because he had to “take a shit.” That was six hours ago. At what point should I start to worry?
Women. Can’t live with em, can’t live without titties.
5: I miss Mama’s food.
Me: oh, sweetie. That’s so nice. I’m sorry I haven’t cooked more lately.
5: I said Mama Fu’s. The place with the Ninja noodles.
Me: oh.
5: Haha, you thought I missed your food.
The human body is 70% water and 30% land
Hey guy in your car behind me, Your honking isn’t going to make me type any faster.
Me: It’s easy. Just like a walk in the park.
Her: So, all the while, I’ll be dodging protestors, the homeless, and muggers?
Drama Llama is what they dubbed me in college. Not because of my theatrics, I earned the name by spitting.
Back to the gym after a lengthy hiatus and noticed they made everything heavier, weird