Nothing makes me more stabby than when my husband ignores me and starts talking to the dog.
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if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
[Voice from police helicopter]
PUT YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR!
*raises hands*
*takes flattering selfie in helicopter spotlight*
*uploads new avi*
Walked in on my 5yo absolutely destroying his punching bag so I’m not even gonna ask him what kind of day he had at school today.
The three things Im grateful for:
1. Family
2. Friends
3. Caller ID to avoid family and friends.
Whenever I worry if I’m being a good mom or not I remind myself that someone out there named their kid Abcde so the bar is like, really low
My 5 year plan is to get an amp for my bass. That fish sure does love his energy drinks
Today is national pet day. There is no touching of people in national pet day. I know this now.
If your 6-year-old suddenly runs to assure you in the kitchen that his napping toddler brother is “JUST FINE,” you can be sure that he has tiny dinosaur figurines stacked high on his forehead as he sleeps.
Ladies, it’s 2019. Don’t wait for a guy to call you. Be proactive. Text him. Find your mutuals on FB to message. Kidnap his entire family and don’t release them until he goes on a second date.
A doorbell rings. I immediately look up, shocked, as I don’t have one installed. It chimes again. I shiver. The sound vibrates in my soul. I lay aside my book, the text forgotten, and go inexorably to answer the summons. There’s a man there. He speaks,
“Hello. I sell doorbells.”
[God Creating Raccoons]
God: make a panda but a trash panda, then give it a mask so that people would know it will kill them for their food
Sometimes I feel like my dog is deeply disappointed in my lack of concern about the potential dangers of allowing our neighbors walk by our house
I avoid being photographed at events held at my apartment complex. I don’t need someone pointing to a picture and saying,”That’s him.”
You wash your hands more now, sure, but it’s still been a year since you’ve cleaned your microwave.
Why have an affair when you can so easily ruin your marriage by remodeling the kitchen?
Mommy, what are these?
“Put them back they are sleeping pills!”
Oh, then you shouldn’t yell
“Why?”
[whispering] YOU’LL WAKE THEM UP
“I’m not drunk, I’m a zombie…”
~Me passing out candy on Halloween
My husband noticed my wedding rings on the dresser and was upset about me not having a visible sign of our covenant to each other
I told him the bags under my eyes said taken loud and clear
“I just threw up in my mouth a little.” – Cows
Sorry boss, I set my alarm for 7PM instead of 7AM and that’s why I haven’t been at work in six years.
KIDNAPPER: Get in the trunk
ME: You’re abducting me 4 days before Christmas?
K: Heh yep
ME: Omg thank you
K: What
ME: I’m all yours
K: Wait
LinkedIn is severely overestimating how often I “congratulate” people.
I will never own a smart watch. I have enough things telling me what to do.
When I hear commercials say “win a trip for you and six friends” I start counting to see if I have six friends.
Why do kids always want to grow up to be astronauts or doctors or racing drivers or football players, but never quiz show hosts. They literally get paid for asking questions. Surely there’s some transferable skills there.
I get it, drug commercials. I too like to dance while I describe all my side effects
You know what sounds good? A cupcake. $4.75? Seems a little steep, but okay.
DoorDash: That’ll be $67.50.
Online recipes have finally added a jump to the recipe button. Now if blogs could add a jump to the point button, life would be golden.
sorry I’m late. I tripped on my cat and so had to kiss him for 45 minutes