i love having one cat who is an incredibly beautiful tragic princèss and one cat who is just like WGGLLBBYLAAAHHH
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No time to exercise? Get the results of a 30 minute workout in only 3 seconds by accidentally stepping on your cat on the stairs in the dark
My my husband’s favorite thing is when I blame him for losing something that’s actually in my hand.
As the wounded oyster mends it shell with pearl, so shall I mend my wounded ego with my signature homemade potato salad
Me: Don’t spit at your sister!
4: I’m a bunny.
Me: Bunnies don’t spit.
4: I’m an acid-spitting bunny.
“Members of the jury, how do u find the defendant?”
“we… can’t find him at all”
“DAMMIT THIS IS THE 3RD MURDER WALDO HAS GOTTEN AWAY WITH”
Is there a class for just the karate noises?
*at a pizza buffet in the Midwest*
Me: excuse me, can you please make a vegetarian pizza?
Him: Sure! What kind of meat do you want on that?
me: sometimes I don’t do dishes for so long I’m completely out of silverware, so when I finally do them I have no reference fork and can’t remember where they go. Despite going in the same place for 5 years.
guy just trying to mug me: did you say “reference fork”?
middle names are so funny. it’s like ok what if we gave this baby a second worse name that’s a little bit of a secret ?? and it kind of has to be marie
i be like “communication is the key” then put my phone on do not disturb
Having to redownload the HBO app on four devices was the worst thing to happen to me since COVID.
My son fell asleep early, so I’m going to live like I did before having kids!
*cooks on front burner of the stove*
“Help! I can’t get my jogging trousers off!”
“We’ll have to perform an emergency trackybottomy”
5 year old: Mommy, I traded 31 emeralds for 41 bread!
Me: Cool! I just did that at Whole Foods
*First Date
Her: Why are we at Home Depot?
Me: I wanted to see what it’s like to pick out bathroom tile with you. See if this is worth it.
[inventor of the piano]
Tables aren’t noisy enough.
this coffee maker is handing out writing prompts for a choose-your-own-adventure vampire story
My New Year’s resolution is to stop making so many typos.
Wish me lick.
Me: I’m going to start the day early tomorrow.
WebMD: In the morgue.
Wife: Use the newspaper to get that spider down
Me *reads the news out loud*
Spider *depressed* holy shit
She was like “I’ll see you in hell” and I was like “omg I have a date”
Grease (1978, musical)
A highschool girl wins happiness and the acceptance of her peers by changing who she is and taking up smoking.
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
[buys ghostbusters ringtone]
ME: who ya gonna call?
[1 hour later]
ME: who ya gonna call?!
[2 days later]
ME: *sobbing* I am so lonely
skippin the intro of a game and then realizin you have no idea what the objectives are just walking round aimlessly hoping something pops up
Do you smell smoke?
I always say that when I fart. It makes people take a deep breath.
Atheists, if Jesus isn’t real then explain this.
“We were trapped in the elevator and had to make a terrible decision”
Which was?
“We ate Bill”
OMG. How long were you in there?
“4 minutes”
What’s this sorcery? 😂