me: who wants to eat some sweet cheeks?
wife: for the last time, they’re called cinnamon buns
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bank robber: everyone on the ground and drop whatever is in your hands!!
me: [holding a $9 Starbucks coffee, a tear rolls down my cheek] no
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
cat: i brought you this dead mouse
me: no thanks
cat: then please accept this barf
me: i will not
cat: am i displeasing you?
me: absolutely
cat: [eyes narrow] good
Them: “when are you back?” You: “next week.” (Week passes) You: “I’m back, let’s hang.” Them: “how long are you here?”
After years of experiments, I have concluded that lighting a stranger’s cigarette is the only time you can flirt with someone by setting fire to one of their possessions.
Hockey: because running on knives makes sense.
[unzips fannypack filled with jellybeans and some fall out]
Dammit
[bends over to pick them up and the rest spill out]
DAMMIT
Listen to your instincts. Your gut is always right. It may be a little bloated sometimes…but it’s right.
Cats (2019)
“Platitude” is short for “platypus attitude”.
Return of the Jedi is not possible without the receipt of the Jedi.
You’re not allowed to be an eyewitness on the news unless you’re the most confused person at the scene.
[at Applebees on Christmas]
God: Your food good?
Jesus: Ya, it-
*a crowd of servers surrounds them*
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y
doctor: drugs have destroyed your body
me: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
me: only i can see him
Accidentally typed ‘Edgar Allan Pie’ and now I’m in the mood for a sullen and morose dessert
[baby taking first step]
ME: OMG! He’s doing it!
BABY: My name is Steve and I’m an alcoholic
Other moms: I hate summer break
Me: I love summer break – I have no laundry to do since my kids never change their clothes
“Nice to meet you. What’s your real name? Want to see my dick?” – Every Kik convo, ever
To make sure I don’t cheat, my wife got me into cryptocurrency and that’s all I want to talk about with women now.
I predict that Obama’s next move is to threaten to hold his breath until Russia leaves the Crimea.
im 7 sauces long
[watching House of Cards]
where are the cards
An accountant who disappears with all his client’s money is a math magician.
me: *holding my black eye* honey I’m home
wife: what happened to you?
me: I met a celebrity this morning
wife: and….
[earlier at the car wash]
optimus prime: are you watching me shower!?
doctor: im afraid u only have a few minutes left to live
me: [sobs] oh my god are u sure
doctor: [pulls out gun] im totally sure
My husband found me lying on the sofa and told me that the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
Princess: U alone?
Luigi: Ya. Mario lookin 4 u underwater.
P: lol. wut?
L: ya idk. meet up?
P: sure. go-karts
L: k i’ll bring bananas
Chocolate fountains are so 20th century. This is the future. At my wedding we’re having a burrito fountain.
If a centaur wins a wrestling match, does he wear his belt
Like this Or this
*wear sunscreen*
*go up to a guy named Ray and punch him in the nose*
*now laugh because sunscreen protects you from ultra violent Rays*