[after seeing a sign for pet fencing] omg imagine the little swords
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I buy seedless grapes because let’s leave the grape growing to the vineyards.
If you leave your dog tied up outside a corner store I’m walking it. No need to ask. Be back soon.
“PARKOUR!” – me, after tripping over nothing on the sidewalk
me: what’s the best way to get healthy?
doctor: diet and exercise
me: what’s the next best?
*montage of me teaching a penguin to do everything my son Brian can do*
Wife: Where’s Brian?
Me: [studying her closely] He’s… right here?
This mosh pit at Chuck E. Cheese ain’t gonna start itself
women in PHLEGM (Philosophy, History, Languages, English Literature, Geography, Music)
In high school I was voted Most Likely to Be Shot Dead While Trying to Steal Something of Moderate Value From a Texan.
I used to think I could control ducks with my mind but it turns out ducks & I just have very similar ideas about what stuff ducks should do
[GOING BACK IN TIME]
Me: Oh my god, I’m in the middle of the First World War!
Everybody: The what now?
Time zones are amazing! Here in New Zealand it’s tomorrow, in America it’s yesterday and in North Korea it’s 1980.
‘Ok i’ll bite’ is both my favourite catchphrase and also why my summer body will be a Homer Simpson body
Wife – remember to compliment the host
[later]
Me – your wife is hot
A little boy at the park ran away from my twins and promptly told his mom, “they scare me cause there’s two of them!!” Same, buddy, same.
When I said “I’m really good in bed” I was referring to sleeping. Sorry for the misunderstanding, you can pull your pants up now.
Hi, I’d like to order a baby
“Excuse me?”
It says here you deliver babies?
“Sir this is a hospital”
[vampire quickly hangs up phone]
Me: My friend is having a birthday party for his dog.
Her: How old is he?
Me: (Sigh) Too old to be having a birthday party for his dog….
there is no way you can prove that babies grow and are not instead replaced overnight with entirely new but slightly larger babies
[inventing allergies]
god: make them feel like shit
angel: from what
god: outside
My 4yo may have misunderstood the fire safety information, but that hasn’t dampened his enthusiasm and now he’s walking round shouting “Stop Rock and Roll” like some 1980s puritanical parent.
I refuse to acknowledge the new year until the old one cleans up the mess it made.
Damn that is one huge cow. this is why I buy internet on flights. I almost saw that 6 hours after you guys did
Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle online with a 14 year old boy.
Anjelica Huston got married to the inventor of autocorrect and now her legal name is Ageless Ice Houseboat.
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the feelings I’ve been trying to avoid.
Gluten-free, low salt, no sugar all-natural whole grain bread?
The only thing “natural” about this product is the urge to get away from it.
How many Mexicans does it take to change a light bulb? Just Juan.
when i find out there’s a cat at the party but they’re locked in the bedroom
my wife saw onlyfans on our credit card statement so now I have to get her a ceiling fan for christmas
3 drinks in and that skateboard outside is looking rideable.