Brad Pitt wears a skirt and he breaks the internet. I wear one and the HOA is all, “Cease and desist!” and “You’re hurting our eyeballs!” and “You are uninvited to the pancake breakfast!”
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My wife has only one rule: I am always wrong…no, she has two rules.
My uncle Don got married outside so he could smoke
Finally watching Michael Bay’s TMNT. Best part so far is a dude answering a Skype call and yelling “How did you get this number?!?”
Me: Do you want anything from Chipotle?
CW: Yeah….just surprise me.
Me: *comes back with no food*
SURPRISE!
The fact that ‘head and shoulders’ doesn’t have a body wash called knees and toes is as much as a disappointment to me, as I am in myself, for writing this Tweet.
I have this funny thing I do where I say ‘we should grab a beer sometime’ when what I mean is ‘I need to end this call now’.
WARNING: Local youths in the park are asking passers-by to audition for the remake of Aquaman. DON’T DO IT. They filmed my audition and posted it on youtube under the title, “We tricked this guy to climb into the park fountain”. I AM 99% SURE THEY ARE NOT REAL HOLLYWOOD PRODUCERS
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: how would i know
Can’t, busy teaching a toddler gang signs.
I think if someone said they could read my mind, I’d be like “I am truly sorry!”
>when you hit the end game in a JRPG but your party is underleveled
[faulty megaphone]
LISTEN MAN, I {dont} THINK YOU SHOULD DO IT. THERE’S {no} HOPE IF YOU DO.
[bangs megaphone on hand]
JUST {dont} KILL THEM
sometimes I fill up my bathtub with spaghetti sauce and sit in it and pretend I’m a meatball
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
<gets on elevator >
Pushes all the buttons
Hugs everyone
Prays out loud that we’re not going to die
Gets off at the 2nd floor
Laughs
I can either cut my toe nails, or majestically swoop down and grab a salmon from a river.
After reading some marriage tweets I’m beginning to suspect we all may have been married to the same person.
Body: we’re exhausted. We’re going to fall asleep so easily.
Brain: you adorable idiot.
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
Cop: “Do you have any idea how fast you were going?”
Shark: *eats cop*
Friends: “Be ready at 7:30”
Me at 7:30:
Me: Want a back rub?
Wife: It depends
Me: On what?
Wife: Have you been watching pimple popping videos again?
Me:
Wife: No. The answer is no.
got my mind on my money and my money
is nowhere to be found.
If you didn’t wanna hear “Baby smell is biology preventing the mom from eating it,” you shouldn’t have invited me to the baby shower, Carol!
4th of July Pro Tip: If you’re looking for quality, never buy fireworks from a guy with more than seven fingers.
[first day as doctor]
ME: *holding patient’s hand* I have some bad news
PATIENT: what is it
ME: I amputated the wrong hand
“i was born in the wrong generation” bro we can literally fry shit with the air. what else do u want
[watching Jaws]
Me: Which ones Jaws
Girlfriend: Who do u think?
Me: (noticing all of the characters so far have jaws) Idk its hard 2 tell
If you love Batman, let him go, because Batman Returns.
It’s cute how people just rudely walk in front of my car like they don’t realize I’ll hit them and blame it on being an Asian driver.