I need plastic surgery to fix whatever it is about my face that gives people the impression I want to hear about their relationship problems
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April is Stress Awareness Month, as if I’m not aware of my stress the other eleven months out of the year.
SCHRÖDINGER: *Kneels down* Hey buddy, so… I have some news about your cat.
SON: Is it good news or bad news?
SCHRÖDINGER: Yes.
Lately I’ve been getting in touch with my inner self.
I really need to switch to a better brand of toilet paper.
Sorry we can’t be friends, but you spent $50 on a wine scented candle because it smelled good instead of just buying me five bottles of wine.
My dentist reminded me of my wife’s sensitive gag reflex. We laughed & laughed.
Then I remembered that my wife & I have different dentists.
“Accountant jokes are funny but don’t really apply to me…”
~All accountants
What, this is my emotional support rabid wolf
Getting fat sucks
Just not as much as vegetables
The Indian restaurant I work for is so secretive I had to sign a legal agreement that I wouldn’t share the flatbread recipe
Just their standard naan disclosure agreement
me: never meet your heroes
also me: hello cincinnati zoo?
yes fiona the hippo please
dora: jeez we’re really lost
boots: dora i’m freezing
backpack: we need a fire
the map: what should we use to start it?
dora:
boots:
backpack:
the map: oh no
dora: *holding a lighter* this IS all your fault
Just burned 2000 calories trying to avoid someone I know at the grocery store.
Know your sleep disorders!
Insomnia = Can’t sleep at home.
Outsomnia = Can’t sleep in public.
Upsomnia = Can’t sleep in a hot air balloon.
Downsomnia = Can’t sleep sealed up in your friend’s catacombs.
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: OWNER IS CATCHIN POKEMON
DOG 911: So
DOG: HE’S THROWING BALLS BUT I CAN’T FIND THEM
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
If there’s karaoke or no karaoke I’m not going
CAR SALESMAN: Check out the reclining seats.
ME: Oh this baby is gonna get some action *winks*
[Cut to me asleep in car on my lunch break]
I don’t want to sound alarmist, but EEEEOOOO EEEEOOOO ANK ANK ANK ANK WOO-OOP WOO-OOP WOO-OOP
[teaching babies to swim]
Me: ok, some of you are not gonna make it
I had no idea we were millionaires until I just saw my husband casually rip off 3 or 4 paper towels at once.
[First Date]
Her: Your Tinder profile says you’re a great listener
Me: Really. Ugh. That’s a typo. It should say I’m a “great listener.”
Me: it was my grandmother’s ring
Her: *gasp* it’s beautiful
Me: and this is my mother’s wedding dress
Her: your… your family is okay with you trick or treating in that?
5…! 4…! 3…! 2…! 1…! RENT IS DUE!!! 🎉🥳🎉
Hmm I don’t really wanna commit 2 hours to watching a movie
*watches 12 straight hours of a tv show on Netflix*
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
[during sex]
Can I call my mom? She said this would never happen. Wait-will you call her? Tell her this is happening! She’ll believe you.
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
To the person who stole my place in the queue.
I’m after you now.
a pez dispenser but for teeny tiny eclairs
Everyone has beautiful pics posted. Where are the losers? I’m leaving.
My surgeon is always late, so the anesthesiologist better not be early.