At the restaurant I heard a lady say her taco was too salty. My wife had to leap over the table and cover my mouth before I said something.
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If you’re having a bad day, it’s because Mercury is in ketosis.
Who called it Osteoporosis and not Epic Frail?
Vader: I am your father!
Random kid: Really?
Vader: You’ve got like 30 siblings. I’m kind of a man whore.
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
Nobody runs faster than a parent who suddenly realizes those kids have been playing silently for way too long.
This morning when I woke my daughter for school she said I don’t like how you wake me with a soft voice so tomorrow I’m waking her with a kazoo.
At this point I feel like MTV is just trying to scare old people.
I just overheard my son say to his friend, “Don’t worry, my mom will never notice.” So I had Alexa make an announcement that said, “Mom already knows!” just to mess with them.
*Showing me a picture of your baby*
Me: Is that a dog toy in the background? What kind of dog do you have? What’s your dog’s name?
*job interview*
“Tell me about a time when you made a positive impact in your organization.”
I quit
My 5/o just said “That’s Classic!!” WTF is classic to a 5 y/o? Blues Clues??
Was heating holiday leftovers and I accidentally dropped the plate. As we both stared at the carrots all over the floor my daughter announced “I guess the universe wants me to eat less vegetables.”
[googling]
me: [how to get wife to stop cheating]
google: it won’t stop jim
me: [please google please stop porking my wife]
google: i can give her things that you can’t
me: [we have children]
google: you sure they’re yours jim?
me: [looks down at my son, algorithm] oh god
5: I want to learn drums.
Me: Ok, but you have to walk them, feed them, and pick up their poop.
*confused, 5 walks away
I am the master.
Hurt my back in a pretty bad helicopter accident.
At my age, I really need to stretch before trying to move my hips like that.
How many raisins do I have to add to this bag of M&Ms before it qualifies as trail mix? One? I say one.
The more we travel into the mountains the more little critters I see. A rabbit will run across the road, then a squirrel, then a crab. What?
my grandpa: [watching me set up an email account] your password is 8 stars?
*sees people doing the mannequin challenge, brings back ice bucket challenge and dumps it on mannequin people*
🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: please break this treat into much smaller pieces
Man, I was just reminded that the world is supposed to end this year and I haven’t even started packing yet.
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
if you aren’t someone the church would’ve killed 400 years ago are you even living?
[using Ouija Board]
“Will i ever find true love–”
“NEW GHOST WHO DIS”
If the number 666 is considered evil, then technically, 25.8069758 is the root of all evil.
When my new neighbor dies, I’m going to hire the same tree removal service he has outside my window right now to work during his burial.
[at wine tasting]
Hmm yes, very good. a slight smokey undertone.
“Sir, you just put your cigarette in your wine”
Strong smokey undertone
I remember the first time I saw a McDonald’s “Free refills on same visit only” sign on their soft drink fountain. Shaking my head, I thought, some people are so damn cheap, while grabbing as many napkins and ketchup packets as I could hold.
A lot of people wonder if u have to choose between a creative career and making money, and I just wanna say stick with it long enough & you can have neither 🙏