A dog or a baby can only survive about 6 seconds in a closed car with the air conditioner off in July; an annoying fly, 2 weeks.
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Me: *finishes up dinner date*
Me: *sits down at new table* Sorry I’m late, traffic was awful
Her: …you were literally sitting at the table right next to this one
Before I proposed to my GF I asked her father but he was already married.
Aladdin’s love for carpet rides must have saved Jasmine thousands of dollars in waxing fees and razors.
[young Santa Claus’s dating profile] looking for a girl who loves snow, living in perpetual darkness and cooking for thousands of elf slaves
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any references?
ME: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
INTERVIEWER: What?
ME: *leans in really close* That’s a Star Wars reference.
On a recent tour of my son’s college, the guide walked us up 5 flights of steep stairs because she didn’t think the 4 of us should share an elevator. I’m pretty sure the extreme shortness of breath my husband and I had, at the top, confirmed her concern for protecting our heath.
One advantage of adulthood is how easy it is to force my way to the front of the line at the ice cream truck.
i never got involved in drugs as a youngster bc there was too much spice girls dance choreography to learn.
*comes home from poker night earlier than usual looks at wife while picking up the dog and leaves without saying anything*
her: i’m a cat person
me:
her:
me: name one part of u that’s cat, Becky
I remember when things only cost an arm.
Popeye teaches us that the best reason to eat healthy is revenge. #CartoonLifeLessons
I don’t like the person I become when I’m alone in the break room with a box of donuts.
Why did the thumbs-up become the universal symbol for approval? “hey let me show u my weirdest finger because i’m down with what ur saying”
Yes, let’s group-edit this 3 page Word doc line-by-line on a conference call. That seems efficient.
Husband: *passes hearing test* Please tell my wife that I failed.
Me: [from the waiting room]
I heard that!
I’m jealous of people who have more than one ab.
Under ‘medical history’, we were hoping for something more specific to you personally. You wrote “Fleming discovered penicillin in 1928”.
I don’t understand how spending more money than i earn is irresponsible. i’m giving more than i take. i’m generous.
Me:[slathers self in butter]
Them: I said BETTER! Better yourself!
Robber: Give me all your money.Otherwise you are chemistry!
ME: Don’t you mean history?
R: Don’t change the subject!
*Both start laughing
It’s cute how I ordered 2 drinks and the bartender asked if I wanted to wait for the other person to be seated
If you can’t think of a word say “I forget the English word for it”. That way people will think you’re bilingual instead of an idiot.
I can count the number of times I’ve made my own fireworks on one hand. In fact, I have to.
Won the “Typo of the Moth Award” AGAIN!
Teen made a complicated dinner
16yo proudly: Let me show you!
Kitchen just as proud: Let me show you too!
It’s hard to think about mama johns staying home with all the children johns while papa johns are away at pizza wars.
Vegans think they will live longer than us, but they don’t realize they are 100 times more likely to be murdered mid conversation.
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Go to a fancy restaurant. Order the lobster. Order it alive. When it comes, order food for your new pet lobster. Then take lobster home.