My plan for quarantine: only let one child in the house at a time.
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I act like I’m ok, but really this hummus is a bit spicier than I anticipated.
Mom I’m running away! No I don’t need a jacket! Mom no I’m fine I don’t need a jac- mom! No I don’t need you to pick me up later mom! MOM!
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
*Godzilla smashing Tokyo & eating people. After destroying an asylum he suddenly dies*
60s cop1: what happened
60s cop2: haha nut allergy
Them: Ma’am, we’re going to have to ask you leave…
Me: *doing the limbo under the police tape at a crime scene*
Half of answering the landline as a kid was yelling “Mom! It’s for you!”
multitasking lunch
In my defense, they never told me I couldn’t tattoo their baby when I got the babysitter job.
Woman in bar *winks at me* wanna go back to your place?
Me: hell yeah![Later]
Me *alone at home* hang on
Its probably time to clean the microwave when you heat coffee and it comes out smelling like a burrito.
Reporter: Tell me about him
Neighbor: He was so nice, sweet, friendly, funny
R: Do you think he killed those people?
N: Oh, yeah absolutely.
my ex never cleaned the coffee filter basket. it was grounds for divorce . folks,,
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35.
[jumps in getaway car after bank robbery]
“They said no I couldn’t have any money”
Damn it, they make it look so easy in the movies
The guy next door just put up his Christmas lights… I bet he’s pissed because I beat him, I put mine up 5 years ago..
“Well I guess I better get ready for work”
*gets out of bed*
“Ok I’m ready”
me eating the fries out of everyone’s bag but my own before I get home
ME: You wanna redeem your anniversary present?
WIFE: The “One Free Naughty Massage” coupon?
ME: Yup. *winks*
WIFE: Sorry, I re-gifted it.
ME: You what? To who?
WIFE: I forgot someone’s birthday, and I panicked.
ME: TO WHO?!?
WIFE: You may get a weird call from my mom.
Me: cute infant you have there
Mary: thanks
Me: so tender and mild
Mary: …w-what
The folks who write fragrance commercials must be like “I had the weirdest dream, Imma put it on TV.”
Is “oppressive” too harsh or do I just stick with “hostile work environment”?
I was told “you’re not my Dad anymore” and I’m updating my resume.
HR: Do you use the visualization exercises from the anger management class?
Me: Yes, I picture a swarm of bees attacking co-workers.
Did a Yoga for Beginners class this morning. What comes before the beginner class?
if god isn’t real then where did I get this PS5 from hmm? That’s right I stole it from Kevin while he was at church THANKS JESUS
it’s only anxiety if it comes from the anxious region of the brain otherwise it’s just sparkling nervousness
Find yourself a partner who’ll sneak out of bathroom windows with you at holiday parties.
Bees always go straight for your Coke can because their Mom doesn’t let them have sugary drinks at home.
My band in the 80s was the Sex Poodles. We needed Snoop Dogg.
me: *sleeping*
pimple: is it my night to emerge?
anxiety: I dunno, why don’t we both come out tonight?