[looking at a house that’s for sale on a native american burial ground down the road from the abandoned 140 year old asylum]
Me: I’ll take it.
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I call bullshit on vampires that look all sexy and shit when they can’t even see their reflection
[dinner]
HER: don’t embarrass me tonight
ME: how would I do that?
WAITER: just an fyi we ran out of lettuce
ME: ok, everyone romaine calm
[any baby is born]
society: first thing we gotta do is teach it animal sounds
When you think your man is being romantic but really he just doesn’t have electricity.
Before a PhD: I don’t know.
After a PhD: That is outside the scope of my current knowledge.
Why let people drive you crazy when you know it’s in walking distance?
Staying with my parents, part 6:
My mom: Oh hey, those fruit leathers you ate expired last month, just so you know.
Me: WHAT? Nooo!
Her: Next time you should read the box.
Me: I mean…I didn’t think I had to cause I trusted you
Her: lol that was your first mistake
*Timmy cries from the bottom of the well
*Lassie takes gloves off, looks both ways, then walks away casually
Give me the nuclear codes. No one would expect me to have them
In scandinavia they’re called fjarts
My boss says that I have some exciting new assignments coming, whoa buddy, I will be the judge of that.
confession: when my barber spins me around and hands me a mirror to check the back I just fake it. Who is even that coordinated?
[vet school]
ME: Welcome, students. Hope you brought textbooks because-
[spins cat on finger like basketball]
-I have no idea what I’m doing
Why yes I could start my day without coffee but I’m too pretty for prison
Not having any friends means I’m always the pretty one.
I want a Viking funeral when I die…complete with sticks, marshmallows and chocolate for the attendees.
What? I’m sure that’s traditional.
[spooky noise comes from my closet]
monster under my bed: you heard that too right
My wife is:
1) Am amazing mom and a great friend
2) Still the most beautiful girl I’ve ever been with
3) Now following me on Twitter
Can we all agree that Batman’s parents had a severely underdeveloped sense of self preservation?
Cashier: Such a GREAT day…how’s your weekend?
Me: *slides tampons across counter*
Cashier: Nevermind…
Quiz host: Your topic is music
Me: Yes!!
Quiz Host: Which Imagine Dragons song starts quietly followed by the singer yelling the chorus?
Me: You’ve got to be kidding me
*spills wine on Ouija board*
OUIJA: *moving pointer by itself* H-E-Y S-S-E-X-Y D-Y-O-O-U-W-W-A-N-N-A M-A-K-E O-U-T
ME: *moves pointer to NO*
If you call pooping ‘taking a dumpling’ it’s too cute for people to care where you did it
I’m simultaneously drinking Starbucks and a Monster, in case I need to do something extreme and be a snob about it, within the next 30 min.
SAW 14:
HELLO JIMMY
I WANT TO PLAY A GAME
THE DOOR IS 10FT AWAY
THE FLOOR IS COVERED IN LEGOS
YOU’RE PROBABLY WONDERING WHERE YOUR SHOES ARE
Maybe I just didn’t state this eloquently enough where’s my hammer?
You know you’ve been on a diet too long when you start reading the ingredients on a bag of dog treats.
13: *shoulders slumped dramatically, walking away from me* NO ONE ELSE’S MOM still makes them clean their room in a pandemic!
Imagine dating, falling in love, getting married, having kids, and only then realizing that the person you chose is literally incapable of whispering
*doorbell rings, I open door*
Alien: Hi! Do you have a moment so I can teach you highly advanced life skills that will save your species?
Me: Yes! My vacuum is making a funny noise. Could you look at it?
Alien calls back to mothership: Can’t I just vaporize her?