I don’t ask for much but can someone please take away the share function on Wordle?
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where’s Godzilla when we need him
HOW TO SURVIVE A BEAR ATTACK:
STEP 1: buy a recliner
STEP 2: buy some beer
STEP 3: stay home and watch tv instead of going into the woods
The car’s navigation system warned me of a pothole and then asked if it was still there. Not only is it still there, it has friends.
Pro tip: Always plug in your Christmas lights to see if they work before you untangle them.
If we go into lockdown again, can we just buy the sourdough this time?
My mailman says all the letters he gives me are sent by “forces beyond [his] control” and it’s not up to him whether they contain good news or bad news… literally doing the ~~I’m just a messenger~~ thing in 2021 like I’m a clueless little child
Her: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
Me: Okay. When will that be?
Her: Oh, I don’t drink coffee.
When she was 3, I took my youngest to makeup a gymnastics class we’d missed. The entire hr she was surly af & I had no idea why.
On the car ride home, she bold-faced stared me down and said, “MOM, we didn’t do ANY makeup in this class, you LIED.”
Kids.
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
The robotic urge to ask humans to prove they’re not robots.
Clark: *on one knee* Lois, will you help me turn this MEtropolis into a WEtropolis
Me: *about to go into a meeting*
My anxiety: you pronounce “template” weird
*kissing on small couch*
Her: We should have a threes-
Me: I’ll call Karen
Her: …three-seater. Karen?
Me: I believe Karen sells furniture
I walked into a pub with my wife..
The Bartender asked: Would you like a drink for your wife?
I said That sounds like a fair swap
[Job interview]
Him: Do you have any questions?
Me: What kind of snacks are in the vending machine?
Why do they call it multiple personality disorder and not being a people-person?
Whenever I want to feel like I’m at a house party again I play two podcasts at the same time and then sit on the floor in my kitchen and pet the cat
therapist: and how do we react to conflict?
me: with sarcasm?
therapist: try again
me: oh sry how’s this? dEfInItElY nOt WiTh SaRcAsM
therapist: much better
*holding flashlight to face*
And then I pressed……update all.
*children screaming*
Ladies, other women should be our allies, not our enemies. Nobody understands the heart of a woman like another woman. You’re still pretty.
ME: i’m having a lovely time tonight
my date: why do u keep yelling “ME” before every sentence
Sometimes your ankle takes a vacation while you’re walking.
Me: Mistakes my own hair for a spider at least once a day & screams
Also me: [watching Criminal Minds] I could totally be a cop
me: [hits guy with sock full of pennies]
him: is that all you got
me: yeah inflation’s bad
“I’m a little upset.” — Canadian protest sign
Inventor of the Number 1 Pencil: Surely you will be the most popular pencil!
Psychologist: what is the issue
Her: He is one of the most pretentious people I have ever met.
Me: *laughing so hard my monocle falls out*
“911, how may I help you?”
“Quickly, pretend like you’re my girlfriend”
“Sir, this is for emergen–”
“AAAAW I LOVE YOU TOO HONEY‘!”
[end of 1st round of my UFC debut]
Corner man: how you feeling?
Me [out of breath]: horny
Corner man: yeah you gotta stop trying to kiss him
If your friend says they can’t swim, don’t make them go in the water because they might be hiding the fact that they’re a robot and you don’t want them to know that you know.