[Moon landing]
Buzz Aldrin: Who’s gonna go first?Neil Armstrong: Well I’m gonna say one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind
Buzz Aldrin: I’m gonna say check me out on this giant space ball of cheese
Neil Armstrong: I’ll go first
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Girlfriend: It’s 11:11, make a wish
Me (eyes roll): *stares out window*
Girlfriend: [gets text message] Crap, I have to go home
Me: Holy shit
ANYTHING can be considered your job if you hate it enough.
Instead of continually saying “password incorrect” why can’t my computer say “getting hotter” or “getting colder”?
me: [trying to cheat in an exam]
teacher: I’m married
I built a tricycle pram tonight
*adds bike mechanic to the resume*
Last night,my friend changed all my contacts in my phone.I’ve been texted by Batman Donatello,Hermione Granger.I have no idea who they are.
Never heard of the diseases mani and pedi, but she says she needs a cure for them.
I hate to say I’m better than u but… I can name all the Ninja Turtles & tell u their weapon & bandana color
Hey buddy, if you didn’t want me napping in your pet store you shouldn’t have sleeping rooms filled with puppies.
3: Please move
Me: You said that very nicely, but the dog doesn’t speak English
3: Woof Woof
A man said to a woman on tv that she’s ”candy for the eyes” and immediately my stupid mind made a stupid joke that all the candy I ever consumed was instead ”candy for the thighs”, and then I thought tweet it, girl, tweet it real good! You’re welcome.
According to this frozen pizza box I’m a family of 4
Son, your insistence on dismembering all of your siblings is tearing this family apart!
me: [standing over a hot open fire at night]
10: this is nice dad
me: it is son [puts arm around him] yes it is.
10: but why are you burning all of our jeans?
me: we don’t need them anymore, son. jeans are a thing of the past now. [bites into a mozzarella stick]
Gotta respect birds, living in trees means they completely avoid paying property tax.
I HATE THE NEW NEIGHBOR
*wife sighs*
“Is this because his grill is bigger than yours”
*frantically duct taping 2 grills together*
NO
They should use real bears in the Charmin commercials
Detective : Where were you on the night in question?
Me: Wut?
Detective: Don’t play dumb with us.
Her: Oh, he’s not playing.
When I get a little tipsy I like to go to a random neighbourhood, knock on the door and say, “Sarah Connor?”.
*feels the wind in my toe hair
The doctor asked if I was sexual active.
I shook my head and said “Not in front of the wife”.
[museum]
Wheres the dinosaur bone exhibit?
“through that door”
Thank you very ruff!
“What’d you say?”
*2 dogs fall out of trench coat & run*
i regret to inform the fans that yet another draft of my romance novel has been rejected for overusing the phrase “really going to town” in sex scenes
Me: i’m just here for shits and giggles
Taco Bell employee: *passes me my order* i can’t promise you the giggles
america famously invented speed limits during the cold war, back when they didn’t trust anyone that was rushin’
[Bar]
HOT GIRL: When I think someone is hot, I just agree with literally anything they sayME: That’s interesting
HOT GIRL: No it isn’t
Cops call their dogs K-9 because if they call K-10,
then it’s a cat.
Tonight’s to-do list:
-honk
-shoo
-honk
-mimimimimi
when a commercial says “available wherever books are sold” it sounds like they don’t know where books are sold