Imagine your life revolving solely around a napping and snacking schedule and still being mad all the time.
Get it together, toddlers.
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When you just stick the tip in and then move it around and around.
– Hand held pencil sharpener
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
“I’ll never forget you!” I yelled to what’s his name.
me: 7’s favorite toy eats batteries like crazy
husband: *laughs* that’s funny, yours does too-
me:
husband: I’ll go get more batteries
Do you rake up your leaves or do you wait until the wind blows them all over into neighbor’s yard like a normal person?
“Wash your hair. Wash your body.” Some of my best ideas come to me in the shower
“Sorry, guys, my mom packed the wrong outfit.”
[egg hatches and a duck billed platypus pops out]
Mummy duck:…
Daddy duck: WHAT THE ACTUAL FU
Otter: Clive, now, calm down, lemme explain.
This bartender doesn’t know it yet, but she is probably going to make me 36 hours late for work tomorrow.
The Hurricane came through here like a tornado
-Lady on the News just now
I don’t want to live on this planet anymore
*looks at you in batman voice*
“So how are the anger management classes?”
We have to crochet stuff when we get mad
“Sounds stupid”
[I furiously make a beautiful cardigan]
Hallmark: please make modern cards, like “Sorry you got your joke explained to you.”
My dad worked on a car assembly line for 40 years. He retired years ago but still struggles with post pneumatic press disorder.
I’ve been training like Rocky lately *cracks Cadbury caramel egg, drinks caramel*
cop: sir it looks as if you were the victim of organ theft
me (in an icy bath): oh no…she took my yamaha?
cop:
Mother of God, the man solved unsolvable crimes for eight straight seasons. When he says he has a hunch, believe him the first time.
I told a server I’m going to New York this weekend, so when I left he said “have a good time in New York!” and I said “you too!” so long story short, he’s coming to New York with me.
Have kids, so people who drink their own bath water can critique your cooking.
[describing robbers to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
cats are the best because you can pet one while you’re talking to someone and look totally evil
my ex was like “i know a spot” then took me to the lowest point in my life
Them: I haven’t seen you in a long time.
Me: You’re welcome.
New mom looking at a photo of their newborn: Isn’t my baby the most beautiful creature ever to exist?!
Same mom looking at same photo a decade later: Why didn’t anyone tell me my baby looked like gollum?!
SICK’EM SPIKE!!!
[the burglar and I stare as my pet turtle walks very slowly across the room]
Not everyone understands my laundry method. It’s simple. If it’s clean, it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty, it’s on the floor over there.
Pop up from someone’s backseat to show you care.
No one claims to like clowns, and yet there are clowns. What an evolutionary adaptive species they must be, clowns.
Did you know that if you drop and break a piece of folk art, it just turns into more folk art?
I don’t know why Shark Tank rejected my Snore Stopper Pillow.