HEADS UP: if I can’t get around you on the sidewalk, I join your family
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What about a To-Don’t List?
if any of you are fans of deep house music blasted at high volume, i’d highly recommend the grocery store around the corner from me.
I don’t understand people with clean houses. My house looks like a hurricane and tornado broke in, got into a brawl, and left
HIM: So I was talking to our neighbor…
ME: Which one?
HIM: Susan.
ME: …?
HIM: Susan. Tall, dark hair.
ME: …?
HIM: Lives two houses down. SUSAN.
ME: …?
HIM: Has the pug and the golden retriev—
ME: OH, Lizard and Elliot’s mom!
DATE: I’m just looking for someone who goes with the flow, you know? Someone chill.
ME: [has a small panic attack whenever a shop assistant asks if I’m looking for anything in particular] *nods*
Planning sweet revenge on my wife: Once she’s napping, I’m gonna burn the shit out of some popcorn
date: “your chances of dying are lower on a roller coaster than a horse”
me: “no way”
date: “true story”
me: “i’ve never even seen a horse on a roller coaster”
*travels to Tibet*
*scales Mount Makalu*
*finds sacred Guru on the summit*Guru: We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.
I just know they’re trying to reach him about an extended warranty.
Sometimes I think I want a third kid, then I spend 45 minutes in a full pediatrician’s waiting room and my uterus tries to escape on it’s own.
Of course I can handle constructive criticism
*resents you for the next 50 yrs
Time flies when you duct tape an alarm clock to a pelican.
Growing up was a huge mistake
This is my favorite one of these!
*during sex*
Me: *unrolling a wrapper*
Her: you don’t have to use a condom
Me : *mouthful of fruit by the foot* oh cool
If you ever see someone drinking straight from a flask in a mall food court… I wouldn’t make eye contact.
How I know this is unimportant.
when someone replies to a locked account it’s like watching Han talk to Chewie
Twitter is an abusement park.
[in hell]
me: *sad* why am I here?
satan: you’re a murderer
me: what? no I’m not
satan: oh no? *rolls footage of my 3rd grade dance recital* you absolutely SLAYED, guuuuuuurl
me: *blushing* aww
god I wish I was the person I believed I could be when I bought all this produce
I thought maybe we could try to make it on Dateline as a a couple.
Walmart was so crowded today that they had 2 cashiers working.
*pronounces bondage like corsage.
MY CAT (checking her watch urgently): 3:30am? oh heavens I was almost late for parkouring loudly about the house
I saw my ex getting beaten up by half a dozen thugs.
For a second, I thought, “Should I help?”
Then I thought, “No…6 should be enough.”
Oh Buddy. You’ve done more than make them think about it. You’ve bonded them forever in a group text where one of them will share a wedding photo or promotion news and one of the others will say “i don’t know, SMELLS LIKE FAILURE.” And then they’ll all die laughing.
Sometimes you just gotta be happy the kid is vacuuming her own room and overlook the fact that she’s making figure 8s
too many boring kid names like “chris” and “logan” if i had a kid i’d name him something badass like “the shovel”
*does the robot*
*crowd goes wild*
*gets arrested at Sharper Image for having sex with one of their products*
Gluten-free, low salt, no sugar all-natural whole grain bread?
The only thing “natural” about this product is the urge to get away from it.