Sorry pregnant ladies, all of your 3D ultrasounds look like Gollum in an Ikea lampshade.
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this spot reserved for good ol boys that know how to smoke a brisket
I have to go to a birthday dinner for someone I don’t like much, so I plan on bringing up politics right away so I can go home early.
[Lingerie store]
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear for my wife.
ASSISTANT: Satin?
ME: No, I’d prefer new ones.
I jokingly asked my mom if I was born with a tail and she started acting all weird like someone who gave birth to a baby with a tail
[At the stress test, staring at a treadmill]
Dr.: Just run at a speed where you can still talk normally.
*sits down on a chair*
Me: Okay.
Marriage should be traditional. As it was in The Bible. Between a man and a rib.
Them: I haven’t seen you in a long time.
Me: You’re welcome.
Can I do this?
-Kids, while doing it
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
Bong hits bring all the cheetos to my jaw, and it’s like, nom nom nom nom.
Sorry I yelled “April Fool’s” while you were proposing to your girlfriend.
I was irrationally angry when I realized there were no actual raccoons in Resident Evil
Netflix needs an “unwatch” button so you can watch the newest episode without getting caught
Hey can someone tell CNN about snakes?
[1st date]
ME: We should totally go Dutch.
HIM: I wasn’t raised that way.
ME: *sadly looking at my wooden shoes* Okay.
Girls get so turned on when you take charge. Grab her hair and tell her she needs a shampoo with no harsh sulfates and a new lip stain.
Good: being told by your friends that you have a big heart
Bad: being told by your doctor that you have a big heart
obsessed w/ the woman in line telling her life story. she hasn’t seen her daughter (annie) or grandkids in 3yrs bc they’re in australia. annie met her hubby in hawaii while surfing. she’s had trouble w/ the neighbors lately but that’s annie, she’ll find it wherever she goes
her: what shall we eat tonight? any ideas?
me: I’ll just call the pizza guy
her: ok
[later]
pizza guy: you could make a nice lasagname: love it
one time I was in the hospital elevator with a resident and then the elevator got stuck and I was like “omg we are going to die” and she was like “omg YES I needed this today” and sat down and started eating a granola bar
I’m jealous of how many friends the people on Intervention have.
“Oh, hello! I didn’t see you there” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you.
“Do you know how fast you were going?”
75 in a 55. I’m sorry officer.
“Get out of the car.”
*Cop cuddles driver*
“Stop doing this. I worry.”
[At the first thanksgiving]
Pilgrims: Im thankful for the land you gave us
Natives: we didnt give you land?
Pilgrims: *winks at the camera*
Bae: come over
Me: I can’t, I’m hanging out with your parents.
Bae: my parents aren’t home.
Me: I know. I just… You never listen Susan.
The old gods are rising again.
me: i have good and bad news
her: bad first
me: there’s a dead body in the woods near the train tracks
her: what’s the good news
me: i found waldo
WebMD is too stodgy and clinical, give me EtsyMD where you get your diagnosis embroidered on one of them wooden rings 𝓨𝓸𝓾’𝓻𝓮 𝓭𝔂𝓲𝓷𝓰 𝓹𝓻𝓸𝓫𝓪𝓫𝓵𝔂
My 11 yo noticed my receding hairline and thought it was hilarious. Until I explained how heredity works.
One time a guy came up to me at a bar and said “do you like air conditioning” and I said “yea” and he said “me too.” and he just walked away. I miss him everyday