Do not squander your short time on earth acquiring worldly possessions. Instead, try to get laid a lot.
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If I can’t msg you after years of no contact asking if you want some human teeth just block me now.
me before coffee: ugh why is everyone shouting
me after coffee: okay yes I do see the fire now
*seductively boils hot dog* *suggestively unscrews ketchup bottle* *alluringly toasts bun* *erotically describes this in between asterisks*
Who called it a hot dog rolling grill and not a roller toaster
[Invention of the airplane]
Wilbur: We’re ready
Orville: I’m still skeptical about this working
Wilbur: Hey, do you want to fight the moon or not?
Orville: *angrily making a fist* Let’s go
Most of my exercise comes from getting up to let the cat in and out.
[Bob Dylan giving singing lessons]
I’d like you to sing it again, but this time plug your nose and put these 5 marbles in your mouth.
[first day as a paramedic]
How much of their blood are we allowed to drink?
Kids: The floor is lava
God: Soon
Farmer: if you want to fix that soil you have to fertilize it properly
Landscaper: sounds like bullshit
Farmer: yes exactly
Dating sites don’t work for everyone 👎
I’m not making that mistake again.
Gin: Wrong.
*arrives in hell*
*Hey Ya starts playing*
haha nice love this song
*song ends*
…
*Hey Ya starts playing*
wait no
That’s great about your engagement, promotion and new car.
I grabbed the EXACT amount of hangers I needed to put away laundry.
Samsies!
“911? Help, my son has gone missing”
[baby lowers hands from eyes]
“Holy crap he just appeared out of nowhere”
I’m at Sephora and the makeup artist asked this woman if she was allergic to anything and she said “shrimp”
My wife bought me Costco underwear which I assume is the final line of defense against another woman wanting to have sex with me
I took my 5 year old to the office on Take Your Kid to Work Day.
As we were walking around, she started crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong.
As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘mommy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with??
Missionary, so we can keep arguing
God: you’re an elephant.
Elephant: dang i’m pretty big!
God: you’re actually the largest land animal in the world.
Elephant: oh wow!
God: I know right?
Elephant: am I the loudest?
God: lol goodness no.
Elephant: well who is?
God: [looks around] I call it the toddler : )
Look, I don’t have kids, and I’m not a lawyer, but if YOU have kids and could start up a Baby Fight Club and video the results, I really think it would help bring this country together.
Don’t forget drink water and get some sunlight because you’re basically a house plant with more complicated emotions
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance
Me: I build new bridges with the bones of my enemies.
Him: Please speak directly into the microphone.
Me: Not guilty, your Honor.
My mom remembers exactly what she was doing when Elvis died but can’t remember my name half the time, my birthday, or who my dad is.
MIND BLOWING SCIENCE FACT: 20% of all car crashes are actually battles between the Autobots and the Decepticons.
Me: Gets something in eye
Brain: Quick stick your finger in there too
She’s dating the both of us bro. You’re my boyfriend-in-law.
~every 18 year old.
I’ll leave a to-do list on the table in case any of you stalkers get bored.
If Iron Man and the Man of Steel were to team up, they’d be powerful alloys.