My 8 year old daughter hasn’t stopped talking in 32 years
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If the Earth is only 5000 years old, how do you explain Cher?
[furious with son]
wife: what happened?
me: he talks back to me and is insulting me in Spanish
[son from room] yolo isn’t spanish
me: ya see
Clothes shopping with my 11 y/o daughter when she declares she would love to dress in more bright colors but “at the same time, I’m a messy eater.” It takes many years for some people to reach this level of self-awareness.
I tell my boyfriend I love him all the time and all he says are things like “make a left in 300 feet” and “you’ve reached your destination.”
Hey, thanks for having me over… But, It smells like something died in here and I’m pretty sure it was the housekeeper…
FOUR RULES FOR DATING MY TEENAGE DAUGHTER:
1) get her home by 11 p.m.
2) so we can chill
3) i have mario party
4) be my friend
MTV canceled Teen Mom, so it’s like they had those babies for nothing.
Me: You have to do your homework.
My kid: OOOHHH! So you’re saying that if I fell into the ocean and a SHARK bit off my LEGS and my BLOOD was shooting EVERYWHERE so I DIED you would STILL make me do my STUPID homework while I was DEAD?
Me: Obviously yes.
Lost my phone, went looking, set down coffee.
Found phone, went back, where’d I put coffee?
say whatever you want about twitter, at least it’s keeping you people off the streets
[THE INVENTOR OF GUM]
What if you could just pretend to eat?
i’m so sorry sir, but we here at chase bank don’t accept gun-for-money exchanges. and we need an amount, not just “all the money you got”
oh, internet, you didn’t even exist when this happened to me. every weekend.
GUY WITH TONS OF BLACKLIGHTS AROUND HIS APARTMENT: Hey come on in!
GUY WHO LIKES TO RUB CAT URINE ALL OVER HIMSELF: Ummm. Nah I’m good.
I confess, when I asked you to put your feet in this bucket of wet cement, I had an ulterior motive.
Untangling Christmas lights is the closest my wife and I have ever gotten to S&M.
Me: I’m sad my favorite beef jerky has been making my stomach hurt.
Husband: Maybe you shouldn’t eat the whole bag.
Me: No one asked you.
When you realize your football team sucks, and you just ate an entire bag of Halloween candy.
5-year-old: How many pull-ups can you do?
Me: 22.
Wife: How many with witnesses?
Me: Almost 1.
once i get some clearasil, it’s over for you blotches
Me, embracing the mess I’ve made of my life
*Salesman smashes through window into living room* Evening, folks. Are you in the market for a new window?
Husband: “Honey, I can’t find my sweatshirt and I’m cold. Have you seen it?”
Me: “Nope.”
Husband: “You’re wearing it right now…”
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
I took the battery out of my biological clock and put it in the TV remote.
Apparently “naked” is not the answer when someone mad at you asked, how do you sleep at night?
If you get an email at work from my cat with an attachment delete it
If Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you tie enough balloons to your house, you will eventually find a dog.
Nice try, poison.
if this isn’t a simulation then how does my cat know exactly where i’m going when i’m carrying something heavy