Johnny Depps wife filed for divorce, thanks a lot Australia! This is why nice people don’t visit you!
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Just found out you can buy more hangers. You don’t have to choose which clothes go on the 9 hangers you’ve somehow had your entire life and keep the rest in a pile.
If parenting has taught me anything, it’s that you only give your toddler as much juice as you’d like to see on the floor
I just saw a guy put deodorant on before walking into an adult bookstore.
I kinda want to date him now.
Kids: Can we have cookies for breakfast?
Wife: Absolutely not.
Kids: Then why is he eating cookies for breakfast?
Me [mouth full of Oreos]: BECUFF IM AN ADULTF
The best thing about snow is that now my lawn looks as good as the neighbor’s.
Suddenly realized I forgot about the tea I made a couple hours ago, only to find I also forgot to actually make the tea
me: so you’re just going to pack up my things? as if none of this meant anything to you??
grocery bagger: what
going to the ER y’all need anything
I don’t know if you really meant to Like Ebola on Facebook, 8,000 people
Surround yourself with people who want to give you money.
The Honey Badger is my favourite animal that sounds like a really scary breakfast cereal.
you would think “cyber-art heist” would be something awesome. it never is. imagine having a fortune in art stolen and when people ask what happened you have to be like “i updated my printer and within seconds a million in monkey jpegs was gone”
LinkedIn is a terrible dating site
I always chalk the pool cue as if it is going to make a difference
Me: I’m not getting older. I’m getting bitter.
Autocorrect: Did you mean “better”?
Me: No.
Being cute just died. Men are going to want a woman that can catch a chicken now.
Looking to sell my DeLorean. Great shape, low mileage. Only driven from time to time
What doesn’t kill you is just as disappointed as the rest of us.
I took a pole and found that 100% of people in the tent were angry.
[interrupts Pink Floyd]
“Actually, it’s AN education”
Me: Do you wanna do a scavenger hunt?
Kid: Nah, I’m just gonna play on the iPad
Me: Perfect! Because guess what I just hid
I should do laundry naked so all my clothes could be clean at the same time.
I put my pants on just like everyone else: while screaming obscenities at my pants butler
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
[planning heist]
leader: the security guard will take his break from 3:15 to 3:30 so that’s when you will-[notices my disapproving expression] what?
me: that’s when I take my break too tho
Lockdown was an unfortunate time for the launch of my party supplies business. I’ve got more unsold piñatas than you can shake a stick at.
Mrs. Jekyll: I’m eating for two
Dr. Jekyll: oh no not you too
[pulls away from kissing] do you ever pretend nfl players with dreadlocks swinging around under their helmets are predators
[ speed dating ]
Her: Tell me one interesting fact about you.
Me: Well, it was nice meeting you. Have a good evening.
(Standing in front of 3d printer waiting for my bullets to print out as a killer walks toward me) come onnnn come onnnnnn