[interview]
So your resume says you used to be in the theater
yes that is correct
What made you leave it?
well, the movie ended so
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Me: *just trying to pick up my groceries in peace*
7: can I have a plastic ax? I promise I won’t hit you with it.
[job interview]
Interviewer: So what makes you think you’d be a good waiter here?
Octopus: I just really feel like I could bring a lot to the table.
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3-year-old: *screeches back*
Me: What’s wrong?
3: We’re dinosaurs
I had to ban pterodactyls fights in the house.
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Me: Love it
4: See green
M: Yep
4: And blue
M: Mmhm
4: And red
M: *flushes toilet* ok, hop up.
I just bet a hyena £1000 that he couldn’t swim across a river and now he’s laughing all the way to the bank.
My kid always taking off her shoes like she got abducted mid-step
ME: *making lightsaber noises*
COWORKER: *in next urinal* you’re getting pee on my shoes.
“Are you submissive? 😏”
No, I’m off my meds with nothing left to lose
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“I shit you not”
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Why is it called In N Out when the line is 10 miles long
[MasterChef]
GORDON RAMSAY: Describe the dish
ME: *proudly* Ceramic, chef.
If you get a big enough mask, no one can tell if you’re asleep at your desk
DATE: I like your shirt.
ME: Well you can’t have it.
[wife crosses out another baby name off the list]
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Me – Does my gut look like I’ve ever lost the sense of taste or smell?
VERY difficult to convince the apple store people that you’ve only ever dropped your phone 3 times if you dropped it twice in the store.
Liam Neeson is going to find that hour we lost.
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ME: 911 what’s your- your- *looks over to boss*
BOSS: emergency
ME: hey, gotta go we have an emergency here