So supportive, you should change your name to Wonder Bra.
You Might Also Like
When I was a kid I had to say “yes, sir” and “no, sir.” My son just threatened to call 911 because I’m making him eat a hotdog.
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
Why isn’t Missouri’s state motto “Missouri loves company” ???
[standing in front of Stonehenge]: is this all it does
ME: *looks up from tarot card* So is Death laughing at a smoldering corpse a good thing?
PSYCHIC: *wide-eyed* At this point, I don’t know.
I just spent 15 minutes searching for my phone in my room, using my phone as a flashlight…
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
My husband’s car radio is broken and stuck on a country station. I feel personally victimized when I have to ride with him.
[me, at Hot Topic] ah yes, bring me your hottest topics, my good man
Even with an open schedule and no events, I still don’t “have enough time” to stay hydrated, apparently.
I’m in your fridge late at night like this!
EMOTICON GUIDE
🙂 I’m happy
😉 Having a seizure. Still happy
:/ Having a stroke. Not happy
🙁 I’m a grouper
.) Lost an eye. Still happy
Nothing displeases me more than when a friend gets into a serious plane crash after I’ve specifically told them to have a safe flight.
After clipping my toddler’s fingernails for over 2 years, I think I could diffuse a bomb while riding a roller coaster.
Drank some paint and have now added “interior decorator” to my CV.
Offered the kids $5 to clean so they could learn about money and then didn’t pay them so they could learn about randomly trusting people.
Let me show you what this mouth can do..
[eats a cheeseburger]
Merlot; what Princess Ariel drinks when she’s depressed.
#lunchpun
Two eggs, some bacon, and a piece of toast walk into a bar. The bartender says, hey! We don’t serve breakfast here. #Tellyourworstjoke
There is no law stating that you have to explain why you’re carrying a purse full of hair when going through security.
I’m getting old. I’m watching a horror film about a house with a hidden cellar that wasn’t on the deeds, and all I can think is how much value that would add.
“If you prick us, do we not bleed? If you tickle us, do we not laugh? If you-“
*interrupting* haha, he said prick
BEACH BOYS: 🎶 Wouldn’t it be nice if we were older?
M. NIGHT SHYAMALAN: 🤔
Getting old is not fun. Sometimes I have to check my texts, photos and ring camera when someone asks me what I did yesterday
A gender-neutral equivalent of ‘sugar daddy’ is GLUCOSE GUARDIAN.
I don’t believe that twitter is the place for arguments.
We all have family for that..
The best way to let someone know you don’t like them is to offer them a healthy snack.
my dog is like me. you can call her and make all the kissy noises you want , she ain’t coming unless it’s her idea.
I just want to be as carefree as the parents who opt for the light interior color options in their cars.