Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
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son: Where’s mom? I need her to sign my permission slip
me: I can do it
son: My teacher said it has to be an adult
You strike me as one of those people who show up and debunk all the fun in the last 2 minutes of an otherwise scintillating UFO TV program.
In today’s modern work world employees, even those working remotely, can call in and key in their hours over the phone. It’s a big change from prehistoric times when Fred Flintstone would clock in and out in person with a physical punch card made of stone.
Got thrown out of Joann Fabrics for asking for wife material.
Whoa whoa whoa… I was stalking her first buddy…
Scientists: You’re all going to die. The Earth is doomed. Life is pointless.
Also: We spent millions on a woolly mammoth meatball no one can eat.
Told my father a joke on our last call. He no longer wants me to visit in July.
Pool party at my house… BYOP (Bring Your Own Pool)…
Forget sex. Try to explain economy to a child
After years of waiting, I finally walked face first into a sliding glass door at a party. And you know what? It’s a crowd pleaser.
getting sucked inside the jumanji game for 30 years is starting to sound pretty good at this point
I say when we bury people we tie their shoes together. If there is a zombie apocalypse, at least it will be goddamn hilarious…
Can I watch The Meg if I haven’t Seen The Peter, The Lois, The Chris, The Stewie or The Brian yet?
Do people who talk on their phones while driving know you can use driving as an excuse to avoid talking on the phone?
I spent 5 min. in the dark trying to get my charger in my phone. I’m embarrassed & I feel like I owe some dudes from high school an apology.
Act happy in the supermarket checkout line to contradict the sad story unfolding on the conveyor belt.
[rubs magic lamp]
GENIE: You get 3 wishes
“Anything?”
GENIE: No wishin for more wishes
“I wish for more genies”
GENIE: I don’t like you
Think I accidentally left a ‘do not disturb’ sign on my personality and haven’t had a ‘good morning’ message since 2020
“Is this your resume?”
Yes
“It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away?”
Yes
“Welcome to UPS!”
We don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you a little bit and decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “she’s being weird again”
[enter password]
“dog”
[password must be longer]
“dachshund”
I tell people I’m narcoleptic so if I fall asleep when they’re talking to me I don’t seem rude.
Someone needs to break it to my cat that she is not a security guard and my bathroom is not a VIP section.
Date: These lamb chops are great
Me: They’re missing something
Date: Like what?
Me: *about to invent mint jelly* Jiggly toothpaste
Incorporate the word ‘verily’ into casual conversations so they don’t know what century you’re from
Accidentally wore a red shirt and a khaki pants to Target yesterday &, long story short, I think I have been promoted to assistant manager.
At a restaurant I thought a family was praying at the table but then I realized they were all texting.
Totally stoked to find some chicken in my chicken noodle soup
Take me with you! I shout to every airplane that flies over my house.