“where am i bro?”
THIS IS SPARTA
“thanks. cute puppy bro”
THIS IS MUFFINS
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JOB INTERVIEWER: It says here on your resume that you’re an overachiever
ME: Yes for example I’m having my mid-life crisis way ahead of middle-age
I was attacked by two different owls. I think they were in cahoots.
[interrogation]
“Where were u on the night of the 3rd?”
Stabbing a homeless man.
“Louder for the tape?”
Wrapping a boneless ham. As a gift.
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
I never move faster than when I dive into bed, so my husband has to turn off all the lights and lock the front door.
The Blob: Bakery Beginning!
New healthcare plan in case Obamacare is defunded: the entire country pays for hospital bills by cooking meth.
Gonna name our dog Sock so I can say “Come, Sock” over and over again at the dog park
Him: What’s your sign?
Me: Dollar
Fine officer, then tell me what animals it is okay to get in a karate fight with. I’m waiting.
Him: *Head in hands*
Her: What’s happened?
Him: Well- I…I… I found this head
People ask what personal grooming products I use. I just get whatever is on offer in the supermarket, so this week cat food & grapes.
Me: The dog gives me more attention because he loves me the most.
Husband: No, it’s because you’re constantly dropping food on the floor.
Somehow, going into The Dollar Store and asking for a price check just never gets old.
Ever wonder what happens when you piss into a Brita filter? Well, for starters, you get a TON of emails from Airbnb.
Growing up, I had lots of nicknames but my best would always be ‘Officer! That’s him over there’… It gave me my sprinter’s physique.
Scurvy, resistance is fruit aisle.
*throws away a paper clip I haven’t used in 20 years*
[2 seconds later]
Shit I need a paper clip
I feel it
My wife and I tried for a long time to have kids. Nearly 12 minutes one night.
If you tweet about orthopedic shoes enough, you don’t even need to write “No DMs” in your bio.
5yo: “I can remember things really good. Do you remember things good too? You forget things sometimes.”
Me: “Not as good as I used to. I forget things as I get older.”
5yo: “Wow. You must be really old then.”
Bird: We can fly so we can go anywhere, soar through the skies, glide through the air!!
Bird 2: It’s incredible!!
Bird: imma stand in the road
Bird 2: Me too
If somebody at a party tells you they’re a writer, get excited, hold up the nearest book, and ask, wide-eyed, “DID YOU WRITE THIS?”
The only ones awake 3am are the lonely & the loved.
And also the sick who have to take antibiotics & pain killers.
My soulmate will be a man who quietly and without judgement watches me buy yet another new plant without mentioning the dozen he’s already seen me kill that week
Most of being a parent means saying “Great!!” when your kid insists you watch him perform an unidentifiable skill.
My son just blurted out “crazy that fish breathe a beverage” and then carried on talking about other stuff but I can’t stop thinking about it.
“i used to live in india, now I live in indiana”
“is there a difference?”
“na”