“Joe Biden and I are so close, some places in Indiana refuse to serve us pizza.” – President Obama
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[Our bedroom, morning]
Alarm clock: *beeps*
Wife: *presses snooze*
Alarm clock: *beeps*
Wife: OMG READ THE ROOM
If I go to your funeral I’m going to stand there holding an opened umbrella during the service no matter what
When you are having a new mattress installed, remember to hide your “toys” BEFORE the movers arrive.
HER: If you could have any pet—
ME: Panda.
HER: Wow. Okay, what would you name—
ME: Pandrew.
I hate when someone is on the machine right next to me at the gym and I feel pressured to share these cheese fries.
It’s that time of the year when you are equally sweaty 2 minutes before and after shower.
Don’t charge people for Twitter itself but charge them every time they tweet
Would stop most of the arguments on here. No way am I spending money debating with Loves_2_Spooge69 on why Spider-man having an extra line on his mask in NWH is ok.
no one who’s ever been hit in the head with a softball calls it a softball
@spacej_me this lady at a bar was flirting with me and telling me AI’s will take my job and i was like no way and she was like oh for sure and I was like listen lady there’s no way AI will take my job, im unemployed and she stopped flirting with me at that point
Right before you die, maybe yell out something funny, like “hi God- wait a minute, YOU’RE NOT GOD”
[Amphibian Playground]
BULLFROG: look at all u lil toad nerds
TOAD: help! a BULLYfrog!
TEACHER SNAKE: i’ll handle this *eats everyone*
Went in for my checkup yesterday. Hernia & prostate exams are really uncomfortable, but he’s a great dentist so I let it go.
Indoor water parks full of kids in diapers for when you want to catch a case of name that bacterial infection
Why the plus or minus on the pregnancy test, ept? How about a simple yes or no and we’ll decide if that’s positive or negative.
*Microsoft Teams when you don’t move your mouse for 12 seconds* THIS GUY’S AWAY EVERYONE. EVERYONE, THIS GUY’S AWAY. WHAT’S HE UP TO? ITS NOT LUNCHTIME SO WHY’S HE AWAY? SOMETHING IMPORTANT? NOT FOR ME TO SPECULATE. JUST FLAGGING.
Me: [opens up lunch at work to find an African Lion] if this is here, then-
Zookeeper: [opens his lunch and is mauled by a ham sandwich on rye]
Most of my one night stands happened because they knew they would get a fabulous breakfast the next morning.
“I think it might be time to cut back on the energy drinks, Elliott.”
is the ultimate american drug watching an entire season of a tv show at once or getting married so you don’t have to die alone?
I put a Justin Bieber’s song as my alarm tone and it works wonders cuz I wake up before it goes off so I don’t have to listen to that shit.
common English mistakes:
-mixing up there, their and they’re
-using the wrong too, to or two
-using apostrophes for plurals
-enslaving innocent people
-putting commas in the wrong place
Me: What’s for dinner?
Shawn: Prawns
Shaun: Prauns
Sean: Preans
Coffee so good it helps a little old lady cross the street.
Me: [touches wife’s arm] ⚡️ZAP⚡️
Wife: hey you shocked me!
Me: oh no! I am so sorry.
Wife: it’s ok. it’s not like you did it on purpose.
Me: [under breath] pika pika.
If life sucks, take a straw and you suck too
BANK EMPLOYEE:
*chasing me*
sir! you can’t leave with that!
ME: *running w/ a pen w/ a chain still attached*
I BROUGHT IT WITH ME FROM HOME!
The Kardashians is what happens when you feed a gremlin after midnight.
A wireless bra? They weren’t tricky enough, now I need a password?
I get out of awkward dinner party convos by telling people it’s my first outing since the psychiatrist declared me unfit to stand trial
Me: *eating oatmeal in my underwear*
Her: that’s it. I’m leaving
Me: *drinking coffee in my shoe* wh… why?