Well, that’s disappointing. I called every crematorium in the state, and they all only do dead people.
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Me: what is my final challenge
*dragon appears*
Me: oh no
Dragon: spell necessary
Me: OH NO
I left my Hoover in the garage and raccoons broke in and angrily destroyed it
I guess it’s true — nature abhors a vacuum
Person: “I hate geology puns.”
Me: “My sediments exactly.”
Me as a therapist: omg same
Me: *licks the guy next to me*
Guy: *jumps up*
What the hell lady?!
Me: Whoa, whoa…I’m not the one walking around smelling like ham!
I was blinded by a goddamn deer with a shiny red nose… No, officer, I haven’t been drinking
Being a parent isn’t just a job it’s a way of life. Like coal mining, or deep sea fishing, or ice road trucking….really any job that’s actively trying to kill you.
Banana is the quietest snack
How to play chess:
– Look like you’re thinking for a really long time.
– Move one piece.
– Realize it was a bad choice.
– Flip over the table.
looking for a new pillow and came across these ones that look like you just opened your own head that was shipped to you in protective styrofoam
REASONS TO BRING BACK DRAGONS
• can cook your toast
• would be a warm and wholesome nap partner
• riding one + your cloak fluttering behind you is epic
• they can scream companionably with you
• if you’re losing an argument, your dragon can just eat the person
I have to admit, I never thought our son would go that far.
Me neither. This trebuchet is marvellous. Let’s get the cat.
#CatDay #RubbishJokes
#MondayMorning
This will never not be funny 😭
Spice up grocery lists for your partner:
Im so thirsty- juice
Make my mop wet- shampoo
I only moo for you- you get the idea
keep your circle small. bridesmaid’s dresses are expensive.
an emergency cyanide capsule to bite when someone’s about to explain bitcoin
Them: So what do you do?
Me: I don’t
Her: “What an ugly baby”
Him: “My baby is NOT ugly!”
Her: “So, who’s baby is this?”
Smart of them to call it cookies I mean who’s gonna decline cookies? If they’d said this site uses snakes people would be like aw hell naw
“When life gives you people, mass murder them.” — An Angry Lemon.
Remember, you can disappear into the woods whenever you want. You’re an adult.
most villains can be defeeted with a simple bone saw.
[getting a ride home]
Me: ok keep going straight here
Train engineer: stop saying that
Putting peanut butter on all my fingers before I go to bed so I can have a snack later.
Whenever someone else takes a pic of me I like to make sure both my hands are showing so it doesn’t scream selfie like my selfies do.
My kids found their Kit Kats and then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go into my closet?
@JosesLovesYou @funTweeters The slang in Japanese for periods IS Hinomaru (That’s the name of the Japanese flag) 🙂
Episcopalian sounds like a drunk person trying to call a cat
No one
Drivers in NC: The light’s only just turned red; I should definitely run it.
My 5yo didn’t wanna get in the bath last night so I told her it was filled with birthday water and this was her only chance to experience it until her next bday and I’ve never seen her get in the bath faster. Now if you don’t mind, I’m gonna ride this parenting high for a bit.