Beauty is in the Eye of the:
A) Holder
B) Holder
C) Holder
D) Holder
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[Pulled over]
Officer: license and registra- oh wow
Me *shirt covered in blood* hey buddy, my eyes are up here
Why is it called a “prison compound” and not a “guilt complex”?
Sorry I can’t help you move, my hands are in permanent air quotes
same bro
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself.
If the virus can keep becoming a new version of itself so can you.
Beyonce was Destiny’s Child. The other two were adopted.
Do you wish you were always broke?
Are you tired of having a thriving social life?
Is too much sleep boring you?Parenthood. It’s for you
*walks into a nuclear power plant
Do you serve fission chips?
I’ll see myself out..
Based on her reaction I don’t think my toddler will ever forgive me for gently wiping her face.
I like to take a store-bought cake to a potluck and joke that I made it myself. As if people could actually make their own cakes!
Chemical wingman
Often when a man says something gross to me on the street I’m too stunned to say more than “ew.”
But just now a guy goes “what d’you taste like, girl?”
And I somehow managed to respond, almost automatically: “The blood of my enemies.”
When all the grocery stores are out of food, those fish holding Tinder dudes will look pretty damn good.
King’s men: well don’t just stand there, help us put this egg mf back together again
King’s horses:
Pretty rude of Instagram to put a bunch of ads for shapewear in my feed dominated by food porn… I mean, they’re not wrong, but it’s still rude
GOD: it’s time I punished the humans again
JESUS: cool. flood or plague?
GOD:[watching The Apprentice] oh I’ve something way worse in mind..
(1st day in heaven)
Me: Whoa- is that Elvis?
Angel- no, it’s an impersonator
M: Wow, is that…
A: listen man all we got is impersonators
I kinda want one of those priest collar thingys. If it gets me through airport security fast AND keeps kids away from me. I’m in.
If you were the birthday gift I bought my daughter 3 months ago, where would you be hiding?
Reminder: Please just hit the “RT” button on my tweets if you’re ugly. Don’t want people associating your busted face with my art.
Those who ignore history are doomed to repeat it…
…anyway, my son is taking history again this fall.
Me: Ew, what sort of shop is this? It just sells dead birds?
My cat: Pick out whatever you want, birthday boy. It’s on me.
No, Grandma. Still not married; but the lady in the Popeye’s Chicken commercials keeps calling me “Honey” so we’ll see where that goes.
The very first thing my 3yo daughter said to me this morning was “I know how to start a fire!” so nothing you guys say today can scare me.
Me: Do you ever get the feeling that people are laughing at you behind your back?
My husband: Not really
Me: You’re not very perceptive
How come when people say “it’s been real” it’s fine, but when I say “this has been a fictitious event conjured up by my addled brain” all of the beings around me get awful quiet.
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not exhausted that’s just your face now.
Accidentally ran the wash with Ecstasy still in a back pocket. Now my jeans are freaking out, and the zipper won’t stop grinding its teeth.
I like doormats that say ‘Welcome’ but they don’t go far enough. I want a trail of doormats saying ‘Welcome’, ‘How was your journey?’, ‘Can I take your coat?’, ‘How’s the family?’, ‘Well, it’s getting late’ and ‘Thanks for coming’. Automate the whole process of entertaining.