You overpack for vacation and most of the stuff you don’t even wear, but your clothes need a vacation too. They seem to enjoy it.
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my 5 year old is in a book club with his grandma, aunt, and uncle, and they’re all reading stuart little. they meet on sundays. they call themselves the Bookaloes (Book buffaloes?) it’s the best thing
I call my horse mayo
bc mayo neighs
Whenever I seductively unbutton my pants, I always maintain full eye contact with the waiter so he knows I want more table bread.
New guy: I really like your name
Me: Thanks I got it for my birthday
Always love a woman for her personality. They have like 10, so you can choose.
Want to know how to get that creepy guy to stop texting you “hey beautiful” every morning? Move in together.
I was once bitten by a bear because I stuck my hand in a bear cage, in case you want to know what kind of decisions I have the potential to make.
dutch is not a serious language
*orders a medium pizza*
*opens box*
PIZZA: I’ve contacted your late grandmother. She wants you to know-
*eats pizza*
Apparently there is a mountain high enough.
Of course I can handle constructive criticism
*resents you for the next 50 yrs
I used to be God’s gift to women but now I’m God’s gift to the clickbait advertising industry.
Boy, are you a salad?
Because I don’t want you.
Start the year as you intend to continue.
I once took a woman back to a hotel who was in town from Canada back when I was sweet. I kept taking her clothes off but she was wearing so many layers. After a good half hour of peeling, I finally reached the center only to find… nothing. Only the slightest scent of maple.
ME: *wearing medieval armour* I’d like to book a room.
HOTEL RECEPTIONIST: How many nights?
ME: *lifts visor* Just me.
Them: I’m not getting that vaccine! I don’t know what’s in it.
Me: Have you ever eaten a hot dog?
Welcome to your 40s: nice olive oil collection.
Let this be a lesson to everyone: If you love someone, set them free to get married and then divorced and then have a series of mid life crisis relationships and get an embarrassing back tattoo and if they come back it was meant to be
The first person who started winking at others was probably the creepiest human ever.
This girl told me that eating a cake is the best way to calm you down.
I bet she never tried smashing it over someone’s face.
Police: THIS IS THE POLICE! OPEN YOUR DOOR NOW!!!!!!
Me: Not with that attitude.
This was the Moment when twitter decided to double the Size of its Application.
Can’t make an omelette without breaking into my neighbor’s chicken coop.
I’m not afraid to say it, I’m against problems.
“I made myself feel better about my husband being a giant, irresponsible, adult child by imagining what it would be like if he were dead” is a weird flex but ok.
every time i take my cat for a walk on the beach i imagine how mind blowing it is for him to be in a giant litter box
I’m the hottest mom hiding from her family in this pantry right now.
I’ve been online shopping so much, lately Amazon welcomes me with “You again?”
Angel: so what are these?
God: these are the vegetables. They contain lots of nutrients and vitamins the humans will need
Angel: wow this one tastes amazing and you can do so much with it
God: that’s a potato
Angel: it must be really good for you then
God: lol…no