Harder!
Faster!
A little to the left.
Yeah, that’s the spot.Me, watching my husband scrub the shower.
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cashier: how’d you like to pay for this
me: not at all
I keep a knife & cream cheese in my pockets in case i’m attacked by somebody with a plain bagel
5…! 4…! 3…! 2…! 1…! RENT IS DUE!!! 🎉🥳🎉
Haven’t even received my $1,200 yet and I’m already worried about gold-diggers.
BY THIRTY FIVE YOU SHOULD HAVE SAVED HALF OF YOUR RETIREMENT WHICH IS EASY IF YOUR RETIREMENT PLAN IS TO WADE INTO THE SEA
Nobody suspects that you’re digging a grave when you’re always working on your landscape.
Don’t go to the library; go to the truthbrary!
Hello my name is Morgan and I used to think lingerie was just a fancy way to say laundry
Me: I made this belt out of herbs
Her: why?
Me: oh, just waisting some thyme
*taps on your head*
“Is this think on?”
For Christmas this year, I’m putting a pair of socks and a jar of Vaseline in one of my Amazon Prime labeled boxes.
To watch the confused look on my teenage son will be priceless.
EMINEM: his palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy
WEB MD: cancer
Wolverine: [sharpening his claws] so what’s your super power?
Me: I am good at rearranging letters to form new words
Wine lover: [taking a sip of merlot] I’ll drink to that
Ninjas owed people money. You don’t get that good at hiding without owing people money.
TRUMP: Hillary won’t stand up to America’s enemies. I will.
*Gets into fights with Miss Universe, Gold Star family, and a baby*
I have some cake and now I’m eating it too. Not seeing the problem here.
Me: So I’ll see you Friday?
Friend: I can’t wait!
Me: FINE THEN FORGET IT
Maybe I forgot to text back. Maybe it’s Maybelline.
Guys! I’ve learned the secret women use to find things. Women actually MOVE THINGS AROUND when looking for something on a cabinet shelf!
My new year’s resolution is 1920 × 1080.
My favourite part of football is when they feed the players water like they’re hamsters
HER: Do you have any funny dating stories?
ME: [thinking about the time I wrote 2007 when it was actually 2008] Just one
You guys, I seriously never ask for prayers but this is an emergency. There is a rumor that Red Lobster might be closing. Pray. Pray hard.
“I raised you better than that!!!!” you very obviously did not
[Bowling date]
Her: Your shoes are HUGE! Does that mean…
Me: Yes [Whispers seductively] I have an 8 inch toe
Dads love saying, “I can see 3 eggs from where I’m standing that you haven’t found yet.”
Everything is a big deal to kids, like the time a giant bird took my dad from the beach and dropped him way out in the water.
I was feeling very depressed the other week. I went to my psychiatrist and told him I was suicidal.
He asked me to pay in advance.
A dollar doesn’t go as far as it used to.
Dollar (out of breath): Screw you.